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Oh, dear. #TransformerFail

I truly loved the first Transformers movie. It was everything you need in a big summer explosion movie, with stupendous special effects, shot through with heart-thumping adrenaline, with just enough character and storyline to allow us to catch our breath and keep us interested. Our hero, high school senior Sam (Shia LeBeouf), is befriended by a car that turns into a friendly robot called Bumblebee, one of a cadre of good-guy transforming robots who fight against the bad-guy robots, called Decepticons. He is aided by a beautiful girl who is very good with cars (Megan Fox) and an armed services division led by Captain Lennox (Josh Duhamel).

This sequel has some great special effects, but the story and the characters are poorly handled and the pacing is a mess. When the robots give a better performance than the humans, we have a problem. When the action is so complicated we can't figure out who is where and in some cases why they are there, we have a bigger problem. When the characters are so irritating we begin to consider rooting for the bad guys, well, you know what kind of a problem we have. And when the racial humor gets so completely out of hand that it becomes uncomfortable at best and genuinely disturbing at worst, it's a serious problem.

LeBoeuf is always appealing, Fox looks good stretching over machinery, and the movie briefly takes an interesting turn when both human and transformer characters show that they can learn from their mistakes and switch over to the side of the good guys. A stop at the Smithsonian's Air and Space Museum leads to Jetfire, an engaging junkpile of an autobot.

But it is too loud and it all goes on much too long. The bloated running time is well over two hours, overstuffed with pointless and increasingly annoying attempts at comedy -- Sam's mother accidentally gets high and talks about his sex life, Sam's father doesn't get high but talks about his sex life, good guy robots talk like the end men on a minstrel show, and Sam's college roommate is a loudmouth who wants to get with some ladies and shrieks like a little girl when he is scared, which happens a lot. There's another series of confrontations between a clueless bureaucrat and our know-better heroes. But the last movie's clueless bureaucrat somehow switches sides. I would complain that this is not adequately explained, but I don't really care. By this point, I began to think the Decepticons might have a point about how they could do better with our planet than we could.

An award-winning animated student film has been turned into a full-length feature with intricately-designed visuals but a story-line that feels stuck together with chewing gum and Scotch tape. Tim Burton protege Shane Acker has proven a better student of the letter of his mentor's work than the spirit. Burton's films are macabre, even grotesque. His characters may be haunted (literally or metaphorically), tortured (ditto), or murderous (ditto again), but they are as rich and complex as his strikingly imaginative visuals. Acker permits his images to overwhelm the story and the result is a film that is too dark for children and too thin for anyone else.

9 is a little burlap rag doll (voice of Elijah Wood) come to life who finds eight other doll-creatures who appear to be the only sentient survivors of an apocalypse that has extinguished all living things on earth. They are being stalked by the same murderous machines that wiped out their human creators and the movie's greatest strength is the design and operation of these contraptions. Indeed, it is impossible not to think that the film is more interested in them than it is in its ostensible heroes.

The story keeps getting in the way of our connecting to the earnest little figures whose quest is murky at first and then undermined by an unsatisfying conclusion. "9" only gets a 6.

This is the smartest alien movie in quite a while. But then movies about creatures from other planets are never about the aliens; they're about the humans, and about what being human really means.

It has cool and creepy giant insect-looking aliens and there are very cool sci-fi weapons and shoot-outs and chases and space ships and a super-cool giant insect-robot thing, and it is very exciting and scary and sometimes extremely gross (but in a cool, sci-fi way). But, like all great science fiction, it is in aid of speculative allegory. The interactions between humans and aliens all the more powerful for being understated, taken for granted, and filmed in an intimate, low-key fashion that makes it feel like a documentary. Instead of running around and shrieking, this story posits an even more believable human reaction to an alien invasion --- a bureaucratic one.

Humanity's history sometimes seems to come down to the lines we draw, metaphorically and literally. Boundaries establish real estate ownership, communities, and countries, and battles over those boundaries have continued, in some cases, over millennia. We draw lines to distinguish ourselves from others and we draw lines to separate others from ourselves. This movie is not about an invasion from outer space. It is about life twenty years after an invasion. At first, the huge spaceship just hovered over Johannesburg. There was no attack, no communication of any kind. Finally, the South Africans went up to the ship and broke in to find the creatures badly malnourished and ill.

Two decades later, as this movie begins, the humans and aliens exist in uneasy proximity, assigned to "District 9," fatuously assigned generic human names like "Christopher Johnson" and provided the flimsiest of "rights." In the name of "humanitarianism," they are living in the title area, little more than a junkyard. The government has outsourced the supervision responsibility to a contractor. The creatures are exploited by crooks, and called by derogatory epithets like "prawns" (the South African term for shrimp), based on their physical resemblance.

The alien population has grown and so the entire community is about to be "relocated" (evicted) to a new facility, a slum even more remote and meager than the current one, with tents instead of corrugated huts. Wikus Van De Merwe (brilliant newcomer Sharlto Copley) is selected by his boss, who is also his father-in-law, to oversee the "relocation." This involves, for some absurd reason, going hut to hut with clipboards eliciting some form of "consent." Copley, much of whose dialog is reportedly improvised, is terrific as the well-meaning but hopelessly overmatched bureaucrat, who has no idea of how offensive he is or how much he is missing as he talks to the company's camera recording what he thinks will be his triumphant moment. When he unexpectedly inhales an alien substance, he is at first more worried about looking like he knows what he is doing on film than about any possible harm. But soon he is feeling sick. And then things really get out of, uh, hand.

This is where Copley really takes off as Wilkus has to draw on depths of courage, skepticism, analytic ability, and trust he never anticipated. He goes through external and internal changes raising questions about who and what is truly human and he shifts loyalties more than once. The movie shifts, too, combining the documentary footage with news accounts and other perspectives to show us what Wilkus is seeing but to get a glimpse of what lies ahead of him -- or is chasing him.

Its setting in Johannesburg immediately suggests the metaphor of apartheid (and some critics have objected to it as a superficial or slanted portrayal -- see links below). The film is more clever and ambitious than that. Just as the classic original "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" is claimed by both the right and the left as representing their side, this is a movie that is designed to be discussed and argued over. It is those conversations about Its meaning in light of the way that struggles with the notion of "the other" can inspire both the best and the worst of what it means to be human.

Was there ever a time when cheesy 1950's sci-fi movies were actually scary? Is it because they are so low tech in comparison to the intense realism of CGI? Or is it just the balsa wood sets and cardboard dialog that seems so endearingly innocent now? This affectionate tribute to the low budget movies that played in drive-ins and were shown on Saturday morning television comes from R.W. Goodwin, whose love for the movies he saw as a kid helped inspire him to co-produce "The X-Files." And this is a loving appreciation, not a parody. There's no winking at the camera. And there's no exaggeration, but then, none is necessary.

The shrewd script gives us the perfect assortment of 1950's archetypal characters, with special emphasis on two of the 1950's primary fixations -- the suburban married couple who exemplify "togetherness" and the teenagers who may look like Archie and Betty but could be juvenile delinquents. Like all of this category of movies, the space invaders plot is just a way of addressing that other fixation of the 1950's, the cold war.

There's Ted Lewis, a pipe-smoking professor ("Will and Grace's" Eric McCormack) and his luscious wife Lana (Jody Thomson), who always seems to be pouring cocktails or lighting candles suggestively. There are the high school sweethearts, Penny (Sarah Smyth) in flared skirts and saddle shoes and Dick (Andrew Dunbar), the guy with the letter sweater. Their pal with the "Wild Ones" hair, t-shirt, and jacket is Cody (a terrific Aaron Brooks). There's the about-to-retire sheriff ("Wonder Years'" Dan Lauria) and his get-em officer Vernon (Robert Patrick). And there's Tammy, the waitress with artistic aspirations and a heart of gold (Jenni Baird).

Penny and Dick are out necking in the mountains when something strange happens and they race back to town. Professor Lewis sees it through his telescope and goes to investigate. He is sucked into a spaceship and when he emerges, he is...different. The professor's body has been borrowed by a law enforcement alien who has come to earth to kill off an evil, destructive alien with tentacles.

Like the films it salutes, this was made quickly and on a minuscule budget. But there is a lot more talent behind and in front of the camera than there was in the originals. Goodwin said he made the movie because he loved those old films and wished there had been more of them. McCormack's nimble timing, Baird's sweet sincerity and the innocence of its message about intergalactic understanding make this one a worthy addition.

After an enormous train crash/explosion, a line of dialog reassures us that the engineer (played in a quick cameo by Disney Studios chairman Dick Cook) was not hurt. This is, reassuringly, a Disney movie. The entire planet may be at risk in the storyline but the latest in the Witch Mountain saga is more exciting than scary. The 1968 novel by Alexander Key about two kids with paranormal powers became the the cheesy-but beloved Disney 1970's "Escape from Witch Mountain" and its sequel, "Return to Witch Mountain" and made-for TV follow-up "Beyond Witch Mountain." The story has now been "re-imagined" for the 21st century with Duane "The Rock" Johnson as a Las Vegas cab driver whose mysterious teenage passengers have special powers. It may be high tech and big budget this time around, but it unabashedly retains its essential cheesiness.

Johnson plays Jack Bruno, a guy who is trying to stay out of trouble, which means keeping out of the way of some thugs who want him to work for them as he delivers costumed fanboys and an expert in extraterrestrials to a UFO convention. At first he thinks the blonde teenagers with the stiff demeanor and robotic speech patterns are just another pair of nutty nerds. And at first when he is chased by ominous black vehicles he thinks it is just the same thugs he keeps turning down. But he discovers that these are a different kind of thug -- they are from one of those mysterious government agencies that act like big bullies all the time. There is also a Terminator-like armored stalker-sort of guy who is after the kids, too. And when you are being chased by bad guys from two different planets, it helps to have a former WWF champion around to open up a can of whup-, um, butt (I said it was a Disney movie).

Johnson is the always-appealing heart of the movie, whether he is making a self-deprecatory or skeptical wisecrack or throwing a punch. The kids' roles are unfortunately all robotic delivery and special effects wizardry, which doesn't give them much of a personality. I don't know why it is that movie aliens, whether they look like humans or giant insects, whether they are super-smart or super-scary, never seem to have emotions or senses of humor. It would make them much more interesting and involving as characters. The very talented Carla Gugino does her best with the under-written role of the scientist who researches extra-terrestrial life and Garry Marshall has fun as her nemesis, who never met a conspiracy theory he didn't adopt, expand, and write a book about and who lines the windows of his RV with aluminum foil. Fans of the original films will enjoy seeing its child actors, Ike Eisenmann and Kim Richards, appearing as a sympathetic sheriff and a waitress. Johnson's warmth and star power and some cool effects are fun even when the storyline drags a bit, if not enough to make the suggestion for a sequel at the end especially welcome.

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