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“Let’s be honest for a second.” I hate when I find myself saying that at the start of a conversation. I hate when I begin a sentence, “To be honest.”
Because saying it implies that what is about to follow is noteworthy. It is noteworthy because it is honest. As if most of what I say or write is somehow not honest.
I’ve been thinking a lot about honesty as a writer and blogger. Part of it is because of O Me of Little Faith, in which I out myself as a pretty serious religious doubter. Assuming they’ve read my book, I’m sure it has caused a number of friends and family members to look at me differently: Whoa. Jason’s not always sure he believes in God.
As I wrote that book, I fought the urge to gloss over some of my more serious doubts. In the end, I spilled the beans, because I got tired of pretending these doubts didn’t exist. But I’m still not an open book. As a blogger, rather than saying what I think about an issue, I’m more likely to ask a question and let you, my commenters, give your opinions. One reason I do this is because I love conversation and I don’t want to influence it one way or another by priming the pump, so to speak. But another reason, to be honest (wink), is that I’m not always comfortable just displaying my opinion right here for everyone to see. In terms of personality, I’m pretty guarded.
More than a month ago, we talked about the difficulties of clergy who found themselves in the position of no longer believing the religious ideas they taught. It led to a pretty vibrant discussion. I’ve been thinking since then of a statement made by a commenter named Rational Agent:
The problem with honesty is that is usually ethically and intellectually satisfying whilst simultaneously being politically and socially unrewarding. This is the problem not limited to religion.
That’s so true. Honesty is great for one’s conscience. But it’s horrible for one’s social life. A friend of mine, the writer/blogger Matthew Paul Turner, brought up this issue earlier this week in a post called “Nothing but the truth, so help me blog.”
He wrote:
Being honest doesn’t help you get speaking engagements.
It doesn’t help you make friends.
It doesn’t help you keep blog readers.
Oh, there’s a lot of good that happens from being honest. And I’ve
experienced it… the thank you notes, the tears of people who relate, the
DMs, the “you took my thoughts and put them down on paper” facial
expression…But you get labeled. You lose endorsements. You get refused by
Christian bookstore chains. You get tagged. You get called a heretic or
“emergent” or “liberal.” (And many times, one person’s label affects the
opinions and thoughts of many…)So do we really want honesty when it comes to belief?
Of course, we do. Right? We want preachers and politicians and executives to say what they believe, all the time. We say we want honesty.
But at the same time, we want safety. We want to be comfortable. We don’t want to be shaken up. We don’t want to be challenged.
But honesty does those things.
So when we ask how we look in a certain outfit, we want to be affirmed. We want to be told that we look great. We do not want to be told that it’s a bad color on us, or it makes us look fat. We say we want honesty, but do we really? Because that kind of honesty hurts.
When we listen to a sermon, we want to be told what or how to think about a spiritual matter. We want to know what a passage means. We want our beliefs to be confirmed, not challenged. We would be bothered if a pastor told us he didn’t understand what the Scripture was saying…or if he said he didn’t really want to believe a particularly challenging passage. I feel that way about a lot of the Bible. But a pastor who spoke this honestly on a regular basis would lose his position, because we want certainty from the pulpit.
We want politicians to make decisions based on what’s right or “the will of the people.” A politician who told us he voted for a bill or spoke out against an issue simply because he felt he needed to in order to get re-elected…well, we’d be horrified at this kind of honesty. We’d despise him. (Cynic alert: Personally I tend to think most political decisions owe more to getting re-elected than anything else. I think politics is one of the least honest arenas in the public square…and it’s full of Christians.)
On a lighter note, we want our actors to take movie roles because they feel the parts are challenging or they want to make a difference or whatever noble reason they can think of. We don’t want them to say they took a role because of the paycheck. But how often does this happen? I’m no Hollywood expert, but I bet it happens a whole freaking lot. If I were a movie star, I have no doubts I’d appear in just about anything if they paid me $10 million. But if celebrities were more honest about how much money and fame fuels their choices — rather than artistry or integrity — we’d hate them.
In our churches and neighborhoods and politics, we uphold honesty as an ideal. Authenticity is key. Integrity is preached. As Christians, we’re supposed to aspire to these things. How many of the Proverbs are about integrity and just scales? How often do believers speak of “the Truth” and against deceit? Not lying to your neighbor is right there in the Ten Commandments.
But sometimes I wonder what society would look like if all of us were brutally honest all the time. We might have clear consciences and satisfied intellects. But would we have any friends? Would we live in chaos?
I don’t know. I aspire to personal transparency just like anyone else. But I wonder if we could really handle heavy doses of it.
Is dishonesty the glue that holds society together? If so, how does this match up with the Christian ideal of truth?
Honestly, I’m not sure what I think about this. But I definitely want to know what you think. 
posted July 7, 2010 at 1:17 pm
When I was a kid, I loved the book “Harriet the Spy” and in it there was some advice from Harriet’s nanny after Harriet experiences the great misfortune of having her personal journal stolen. Here it is:
“Sometimes, you have to lie. Otherwise you’ll lose a friend. “Little lies that make people feel better are not bad, like thanking someone for a meal they made even if you hated it. But to yourself, you must always tell the truth,”
A lot of parents did not like Louise Fitzhugh saying that in a children’s book. But I agree with it. You have to lie sometimes. How else could you survive? I’m not advocating being dishonest 24/7, but if your wife asks you if she looks fat, it’s best to say no or do what those guys do in the Twix commercials…:)
posted July 7, 2010 at 1:50 pm
Is it dishonest to not tell all of the truth but not lie in the process? In other words (and in a much better constructed sentence), can we reveal enough to get our point across but not wade into TMI territory? That is still being honest but with a dash of wisdom in how much to reveal. I am just thinking out loud…
And I would be very disappointed if my pastor stood in front of my church and acted like he knew everything. In fact, I would leave that church, quickly. There are essentials (very few) and there are non-essentials (lots and lots) in the Christian faith. Getting wrapped around the axle in the non-essentials is what causes all the heartburn. I will accept opinions on the non-essentials but never the essentials.
Rambling post is now complete…
posted July 7, 2010 at 1:52 pm
Very good post, Jason – no lie!
Interesting, isn’t it, that “we have to lie”?
I agree with most of our parents and grandparents…”if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all”. But what do we do with a direct question or issue where we definitely feel a certain way but do not feel comfortable letting that be known? Boiling it down, I see reasons that should not be there like vanity, pride and fear. Ouch.
It is true that the truth hurts sometimes but I wonder it’s also true that the motivation behind what led to that moment is not always pure and godly. We know we’re not to participate in such things – yet we do. We rationalize that it’s small or insignificant – of no matter. Isn’t it?
Thank you for your post. It really is very good. Thought provoking as well as humbling. It’s given me something to pray about – that is certain.
Blessings.
posted July 7, 2010 at 2:24 pm
Along the lines of Joanna’s quote from Harriet the Spy, my friend Ken alerted me to Genesis 18 in which God appears to lie to Abraham in order to spare his feelings.
Genesis 18:12 — when Sarah questions God’s promise that she’ll bear a son, she says “After I am worn out and my master is old, will I now have this pleasure?” (NIV). (The word translated as “pleasure” in the Hebrew has sexual connotations and is only marginally related to childbirth.)
Right afterward, in Genesis 18:13, God quotes Sarah back to Abraham: “Why did Sarah laugh and say, ‘Will I really have a child, now that I am old?’” (NIV). That’s not EXACTLY what she said, though. God changes the connotation.
So…God misquotes Sarah to Abraham to spare his feelings. Is it a lie?
posted July 7, 2010 at 2:25 pm
a few thoughts that come to mind after reading your post:
-honesty and being brutally honest are not the same things
-silence is a traditional christian discipline which offers a third option (not necessarily when being asked a direct question, but certainly in other situations; we as a society talk too much)
-i do believe when the question is honest, an honest answer is always welcome. when my wife asks me “how do i look in this?” that’s not exactly an honest question – the honest question is “would you please say something nice and affirming about me before we go out to such-and-such place where i really want to look nice?” to which i would be happy to give an honest answer, “yes” and then follow that up with how beautiful she is to me. i think we are inundated with dishonest questions (usually rhetorical or misleading or deceptive) that make honesty a treacherous path.
posted July 7, 2010 at 3:27 pm
I think “brutally honest” gets a bad rap … honesty doesn’t have to be brutal, but it is perceived that way because we aren’t very often.
Furthermore, I think you can be honest and still be friends. I would prefer someone give me a clear opinion with reasons rather than slamming me “in the name of honesty.” I think if you seek to be honest with people in a loving way, you can have it all!
… But if we were all more honest with one another, American Idol would be devoid of about four weeks of programming before the real show begins each season!
posted July 7, 2010 at 3:47 pm
I agree with Shawn’s distinction that honesty and being brutally honest are not the same thing. Regarding Jay’s question about speaking the truth but not the WHOLE truth….this, I think is a heart issue. If you’re cheating on your spouse and he asks where you were and you say, “Out shopping,” because that part is true, but neglect to add, “…with my lover that is not you,” then your heart is dishonest and deceitful. But Jesus didn’t choose to go around all day long telling people the WHOLE truth about every little thing. Yet He was never deceitful. As you said, Jay, we can learn to be honest AND wise. From Joanna’s comment about Harriet the Spy, are we being honest with ourselves (and God), first?
posted July 7, 2010 at 3:53 pm
Another thing… I appreciate Jason, how you (and Matthew Paul Turner) mentioned that there is more at stake for being honest when your position is more public. I can see how people (“people?” *ahem* “I”) take things out of context more readily and are more apt to judge a face or name that is void of personal relationship. That speaks to me of another cost of discipleship, and I am encouraged by your courage to step out in honesty when the risks are greater. That said, have you found the benefits to also be greater?
posted July 8, 2010 at 7:39 am
One of my issues with honesty and blogging is the protection of my relationship with other people. This is not a unique problem, but if a friends’s story that they share with me because I’m “known” as a trustworthy confidant prompts my writing, am I treading on sacred ground by using it as blog fodder?
I had a recent situation in ministry that I would love to write about, but I fear catching multiple victims in the crossfire who had no idea how difficult and uneven the decision honestly was. And that’s just the first level of honesty–to say nothing of my own doubts and struggles. Just yesterday I thought to myself, “if these people knew how much I really wrestled with this, I would lose some influence.” Just yesterday! Thanks for the timely post.
posted July 8, 2010 at 9:11 am
How clever. To build the case that lying is essential to social survival, we cite scripture in which it “appears” that God lies?
We are better at justifying our behaviors than we are at behaving.
Oh, that American Idol could be devoid of all air-time and all press relating thereto.
posted July 8, 2010 at 10:36 am
Vanilla:
I think you misunderstood the post. I’m not trying to “build a case” for lying or justify any kind of behavior. Far from it. If anything, I’m an advocate for more honesty, more often. But in the process of writing this post about how honesty can be difficult — and often unwelcome — I wanted to point out the complexity of the issue and ask some questions. The Scripture thing was pointed out by a friend after I posted and I thought it might be of interest to the potential discussion. That’s all.
If any of that comes across as “justification” of anything, then it’s because I didn’t communicate very well in a rambling blog post. Not because I’m trying to be clever.
In other news, I still have never watched an episode of “American Idol.”
posted July 8, 2010 at 12:12 pm
This post strikes awkwardly close to home. Back in highschool I pulled one of my youth leaders aside to mention that most of the content for the highschool program was all fluff and “Stay in church, pray, witness.” I can barely tell anyone when I’m upset at anyone, so I really tried my best not to be rude. All I wanted was more, I was hungry. The youth pastor and his wife both yelled at me. All but one leader verbally chewed me out. I lost all but six of my close friends.
In fear of sounding like a self-glorified martyr, I’m not perfect. But if challenging the content, maybe the honesty thing has something to do with why it blew up in my face.
posted July 8, 2010 at 8:17 pm
Jason,
My sincere apologies, for it is my writing which inadequately makes a point. I never took your post in any way as a defense of lying as a way of life; nor do I believe that you think God provided an example of his own use of “white lies.” I do believe you are sincere and not attempting to be “clever” but rereading my own comment, I see that we have had a misunderstanding, but not a disagreement. Apparently we both devote the same amount of time to AI.
Blessings.