In a shocking twist, I’m not going to post the Guns ‘n Roses video here. The lyrics just don’t have that much to do with what we’re talking about. We’ve been discussing the Six Paramitas, as they’re called in the Mahayana tradition and how they can help us in our careers.
(Brief interlude for a bad joke: Come to Mahayana Motors for a Great Vehicle.)
Sorry.
So many of us spend more than half our waking hours at work. Why not use those hours to bring happiness to ourselves and others? Kshanti paramita refers to patience or forbearance. Jon Kabat-Zinn points out that just underneath the surface of impatience is anger. “It’s the strong energy of not wanting things to be the way they are and blaming someone (often yourself) or something for it.”
Ever find yourself angry at work? I know I have; someone does something they shouldn’t have, at least from my perspective. But even when we’re absolutely sure that our anger is justified, we need to understand how destructive it is and work to eradicate it. As Lama Marut says:
“If you’re harboring the idea anywhere in your mind that there’s something good about anger, you will continue to suffer. You will continue to be unhappy. And you will continue to bring unhappiness to others around you… you can’t be angry and happy at the same time. Impossible. This town ain’t big enough for both of them. Somebody’s got to go. It’s a showdown at the OK Corral. Between happiness and anger. Big smackdown. Rage in the Cage. If you want to be happy, you’ve got to smack down anger.”
So often, though, we convince ourselves that this is the one time that our anger is justified, that it’s okay to be angry, and our anger builds upon itself, causing wrong speech and wrong actions. Our “inner Johnny Cochran,” as Ethan recently called it in class, is really, really good at convincing us that our anger is necessary, that we’ve encountered the one person who’s truly, independently wrong and who deserves our rancor. We need to understand how destructive it is, not just intellectually, but in our bones, so that the next time anger arises, our inner Johnny Cochran doesn’t pull the wool over our eyes.
Don’t just take my word for it; Thich Nhat Hanh devoted a whole book to the subject, and he points out the futility of our angry actions:
“When someone says or does something that makes us angry, we suffer. We tend to say or do something back to make the other suffer, with the hope that we will suffer less. We think, ‘I want to punish you, I want to make you suffer because you have made me suffer. And when I see you suffer a lot, I will feel better.
Many of us are inclined to believe in such a childish practice. The fact is that when you make the other suffer, he will try to find relief by making you suffer more. The result is an escalation of suffering on both sides. Both of you need compassion and help. Neither of you needs punishment.”
He points out how counterproductive reacting in anger is:
“If your house is on fire, the most urgent thing to do is to go back and try to put out the fire, not to run after the person you believe to be the arsonist. If you run after the person you suspect has burned down your house, your house will burn down while you are chasing him or her. That is not wise. You must go back and put out the fire. So when you are angry, if you continue to interact with or argue with the other person, if you try to punish her, you are acting exactly like someone who runs after the arsonist while everything goes up in flames.”
What’s interesting to me is that when we react from anger, we lose any ability to choose our actions. Our actions become driven by anger; they’re reactions, really. But by cultivating patience, we can make clear, mindful choices.
How do we do this? Kabat-Zinn teaches us to understand the roots of anger:
“If someone hits you with a stick, you don’t get angry at the stick or at the arm that swung it; you get angry at the person attached to the arm. But if you look a little deeper, you can’t find a satisfactory root cause or place for your anger even in the person, who literally doesn’t know what he is doing and is therefore out of his mind at the moment. Where should the blame lie, or the punishment? Maybe we should be angry at the person’s parents for the abuse they may have showered on a defenseless child. Or maybe the world for its lack of compassion. But what is the world? Are you not a part of that world? Do you yourself have angry impulses and under some conditions find yourself in touch with violent, even murderous impulses?”
As Thich Nhat Hanh tells us:
“You can make a mistake only when you forget that the other person
suffers. You tend to believe that you are the only one who suffers, and
that the other person is enjoying your suffering. You will say and do
mean and cruel things when you believe that you are the only one who
suffers and that the other person does not suffer at all.”
Through our practice, we can cultivate patience and learn to choose our actions rather than reacting out of anger. When we are in the grips of anger, we’re “out of our minds,” and our actions lack mindfulness. Imagine how beneficial it would be to our careers if we could choose our actions, instead of always being on automatic pilot.
Because here’s the thing: stuff’s always gonna happen. Traffic makes you late for work. A customer is dissatisfied. Someone you count on gets the flu. By cultivating patience, you gain the ability to work within these situations, to make the most appropriate choice in the moment, and give yourself the best possible chance of success. Not to mention happiness.
posted November 12, 2009 at 4:57 pm
These are good topics for me right at this point in my life emotionally speaking. I am dealing with some issues pertaining to my in-laws and tolerance of some of their attitudes and prejudices towards our lifestyle and other things. So while the article might relate to work and anger, I am finding it will be helpful for me personally. Thanks for sharing !
posted November 12, 2009 at 5:47 pm
I just went through a three hour smack down at work. Complaints from “people” with no clear substance or way to resolve cause I can’t even say sorry to someone with no name. Then some very personal stuff which shoulda coulda been addressed when it happened. This is not a way to treat anyone, let alone an 11 year employee. So I’m grateful to be reminded that those who pulled this on me were also suffering-probably for a long time. Peace y’all!!
posted November 12, 2009 at 6:50 pm
Nice work. I’ve been wanting to incorporate a little vintage GNR into the blog now for a year and I was never able to pull it off. Twenty years since Lies came out – wtf.
posted November 13, 2009 at 11:04 am
This blog really makes the important point that the more we can practice being mindful of our current emotion, the more we are in the drivers seat and have the ability to make conscious choices instead of painful ones that we are unaware of. Anger really is one of those emotions that embraces tunnel vision and prompts secondary emotions, like fear of the anger, sadness, shame…. I also think that a balance is important when it comes to recognizing our anger. Thinking our anger is good or right can keep us stuck, yet at the same time, we want to refrain from judging our anger when it does arise, because it will, and will continue to do so if we resist it. Accepting in the moment that if someone cuts us off on the road and we almost get into an accident, our fear of danger may cause the secondary emotion of anger…. but if we tell ourselves we “shouldn’t be angry” than we are rejecting our experience. Instead, we can accept how we are feeling in that moment, understand why we felt that way, and than move towards a position of acceptance as soon as possible. I am not saying to follow the action urges of anger, just honor it for being a movement of energy that is teaching us something, for it is teaching us to be more patient, loving, accepting. The more we accept and honor our feelings, the less likely they will bubble up in future similar circumstances. It’s a constant flow between acceptance and change, finding the middle path between these two dualistic forces of honoring who we are in the moment and striving to be more loving as well. I always think of the poem by Rumi, The Guest House when it comes to this.
Much gratitude for this blog! Jen
posted November 13, 2009 at 12:05 pm
For someone with deep anger or who is quick to anger, I recomment Past Reality Integration, where the person is coached into looking into his past and retrieving the ORIGINAL source of his anger. He should look at the current incident and go back to the thing which it resembles, and then he should RELIVE THE FEELING of that original situation and face it, without fear now because the original situation is long gone. Only by embracing this fear can he get reconciled to it, thereby removing the reason for future anger. That is, until the next trigger situation comes along, after which he should sit down again and repeat the procedure. I know it works, because I’ve learned to do it. I can happily say that I no longer get angry. When something happens these days that could upset me, I am now able to deal with it rationally and in a balanced way.
posted November 13, 2009 at 3:20 pm
Hello,
Really good post and I agree with some of the comments as well. It is always beneficial to investigate the roots of our anger as often as possible. However, I would like the author to reconsider utilizing Johnny Cochran to represent out of control anger which in turn must be ‘smacked down.’ I fully understand that the “inner Johnny Cochran” term is meant as a metaphor based on the media’s coverage and constructed image of him. However, Johnny Cochran was a real live human being who is now deceased. He was a brilliant and successful African American attorney who was also great at his job. I don’t recall ever seeing him act publicly in a rageful way. I would imagine that he was incredibly mindful in his actions and in his service to his clients. Just because you (and some others) may not like him is no excuse to use his name in a negative and potentially defamatory way. I realize that you are quoting someone else (Ethan) but that doesn’t make what you are repeating any less irresponsible.
I did not know Johnny Cochran personally or ever met the man – and I doubt you nor Ethan have either. So, why are you using him to prove your point (and possibly garner cheap laughs?) I find it ironic that in one breath you are postulating that anger is not to be confused with the actual person then in another using Johnny Cochran to personify anger. That seems contradictory.
In keeping with the subject of this post, I am aware that when I read that statement and characterization (which happens way too much in my opinion) that it made me angry. I accepted my anger but have not let it stop me from making a credible response to the post. Unfortunately, I am probably going to be in the minority here with what I am pointing out, however nonetheless I am doing so.
Namaste.
posted November 13, 2009 at 3:41 pm
My Johnny Cochran reference wasn’t specifically to anger.
It was to any mode of confusion that we try to sell ourselves. We are very good at convincing the jury of our own actions that our negative patterns are either a) inevitable or b) actually the right thing to do.
So that was the notion of inner Johnny Cochran, referencing his powers of persuasion. It was not a reference to anger per se. It is in reference to inner confusion being a lot smarter and smoother than we give it credit for.
posted November 13, 2009 at 4:00 pm
I think that meditation practice always helps anger. And in many ways. It can make us handle many more situations without anger rising.
I think when anger rises, it can help us to better manage it.
Greed and selfishness are always our enemies, as they boot up desire to such levels that frustration and failure will follow quickly in hand. And where there is frustration, anger follows right along.
I do think that patience is a big part of the cure to anger.
I think the full cure comes by being filled with a great deal of love and compassion for everyone. But that level of love and compassion for everyone is no easy feat to accomplish. We are already full saints when we achieve that. So, while that is the ultimate solution, I think all spiritual disciplines lead us to conquering anger, by degree, over time.
have a nice weekend everyone.
posted November 13, 2009 at 8:40 pm
Ethan’s clarification on the “inner johnny cochran” point was right on – but I do see the problem with using a real human being’s name as a symbol for how we can persuade ourselves of something that’s not true. That’s just one small facet of the real Johnny Cochran. So thanks for the note.
posted November 14, 2009 at 5:43 pm
IN reading this again after the fact, I can see that I should have been clearer in pointing out that my reference to the “Inner Johnny Cochran” was, as Ethan said, about his powers of persuasion. But also in hindsight, it’s probably better for me not to use a real person’s name in referencing one of their qualities. After all, I’m sure he had many other qualities than being very persuasive. Thanks again.
Jon
posted January 20, 2010 at 6:27 pm
I too find myself in situations that would typically frustrate the normal person or otherwise! I always remember when ones life its like tuning a guitar: If you tighten the strings too tight then they will snap If you make them too slack it won’t play it the great in between where true happiness and enlightenment is!