Before Siddhartha Gautama attained enlightenment at age 35 he was a confused twenty and thirty-something looking to learn how to live a spiritual life. He had an overbearing dad, expectations for what he was supposed to do with his life, drinks were flowing, lutes were playing, and the women were all about him. Some called him L.L. Cool S. I imagine close friends just referred to him as Sid.
Many people look to Siddhartha as an example of someone who attained nirvana, a buddha. But here we look at a younger Sid as a confused guy struggling with his daily life. What would he do as a young person trying to find love, cheap drinks, and fun in a city like New York? How would he combine Buddhism and dating? We all make mistakes on our spiritual journey; here is where they're discussed.
Each week I'll take on a new question and give some advice based on what I think Sid, a confused guy working on his spiritual life in a world of major distraction, would do. Because let's face it, you and I are Sid.
Have a question for this weekly column? E-mail it here and Lodro will probably get to it!
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My 17 year old son has been homeschooled all his life and just went into public school this year. He was at a party on an empty stomach and drank straight vodka from a flask. He apparently left the party, tried to walk home (about 4 miles) and passed out. I got a call from the ER 5 hours after. He came out with flying colors, no injuries, no hangover, no headache!!!! I've talked with him about not drinking, but he chose to do it anyway. So what else to do? Should I hold onto this fear I have for him or be grateful nothing happened? - Arleen
First off Arleen, however you feel, be it fear for his health, gratitude that he's safe now, or a mixture of the two is fine. We feel how we feel and the only thing we can do is embrace that without getting too attached to story lines. So when you experience strong emotions around this issue the best thing to do is just be present with the underlying feeling of them without spinning out fantasies or justifications for them.
With that being said, if I were you I would still probably spend a significant amount of Friday and Saturday nights wondering what my son was up to. It's hard (and some may say irresponsible) not to. It seems that you've tried to impose on him the logic around why it's not a good idea to drink and that he's testing that logic out for himself.
If he walked away from his first experience with alcohol relatively unscathed I would not be surprised if he continues to experiment with it. Particularly since he is new to school and, most likely, trying to find his place amongst new friends who are also drinking. Talking to your son may not be enough to prevent him from experimenting with alcohol. There's a difference between hearing that electrical sockets are dangerous and sticking your finger in one. In other words it's hard to ask someone to refrain from something if they don't actually know first-hand what the ramifications are of that action.
It's hard to put my finger on what Sid would do in this case. From a conventional point of view Sid was not a good father. He walked out on his family as soon as he heard that he would be a dad. Granted, his motivation was good and the results were excellent. That does not change the fact that little Rahula (for pete's sake, he named his kid "Fetter," or "Obstacle!") grew up without a father. There is a happy ending to this particular story: Rahula meets his father at age eight and tries to claim his inheritance but instead, surprise surprise, ends up becoming a novice monk.
Sid did not then have to talk to his kid about alcohol use. Still, I will venture a guess that if Sid were amongst us today he would encourage you to continue to speak openly with your son about the effects of alcohol while leaving room for him to communicate back what he is doing and why. Ideally the next time your son is in a situation where he has been drinking he'll feel comfortable calling you to come get him.
I don't think Sid would say ground your son, tell him never to see his friends, and take away all of his privileges. You can talk to him about hanging out with the wrong crowd or carefully monitor where he's going but to outright condone his actions may close down those lines of communication that you want to foster. If your son feels that he cannot share with you what he is doing, you may end up thinking he's seeing a movie with a new friend only to receive another call from the emergency room.
Now here's a controversial part that I'd be curious to hear other people's comments on: it might be a good idea to introduce your son to alcohol in a safe environment, i.e. your home. I'm not planting a flag for underage drinking; in fact if you feel that he will not be going out and partying like that again stop reading here. But, if you think he is going to keep experimenting with alcohol you might want to have a role in shaping his experience with substances.
Some people may have had the forced "smoke a carton of cigarettes" method applied to them when their parents found a pack in their sock drawer. I wouldn't recommend that. There are ways for your son to encounter alcohol with your supervision. I wrote about "Right Drinking" a few weeks back; perhaps something in there might prove helpful. Your son's re-introduction to alcohol could be over a dinner party with other adults or just alone with you. Doing that may make drinking more familiar and his partying safer. If you go that route you need to be clear why you're introducing him to alcohol so that he doesn't think it's okay to drink whenever he wants and go too far.
I'm curious to hear from parents who have worked with this issue. How have you related with your children experimenting with alcohol? What has or has not worked?
I realize that this is a scary topic and hope that through two-way communication you and your son will develop a way for him to adjust to his new public school life without sacrificing any aspects of himself. Of course it is always okay to recommend he just says "no" to drinking. Good luck Arleen.
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I believe that it is dangerous to worry. Let me explain. What is worry? ...Creating a story in your mind about something that you don't want to happen...and then when we do this, something in our minds seems to believe this imagined story. We often actualize the events of our worry. That's where the danger comes in. Without worry, there is less negative emotion and we can think clearer which is important if we want to solve problems. If we're going to create a story, why not create one that we like?
Having said this, I believe it is of tantamount importance to make a plan, be aware, and ACT. My opinion is that children should not drink until 21. I read somewhere, I think it was Joseph Chilton Pierce, that, until then, their brains are not fully developed and alcohol can have damaging effects. As I child, I was allowed to have drinks in my home, which resulted in my almost having a drinking problem as a young adult.
Also, it is not lawful and I hold a lot of stock in teaching children to be law abiding, especially in this case when breaking the law can result in injury and death.
One more consideration is that if it is in the nature of teenagers to rebel, and we allow alcohol, then what is the next thing against which they will choose to rebel? My children drank, without my permission, when they went to college. I never relented. I would not allow them to drink in my home and I would not give my permission for their drinking until they reached age 21. If they are going to do something that I believe is harmful, I am not going to be part of it by giving my permission. There is much that I can't control and I CAN control the degree of my "buy in" and how I set my boundaries. That's my responsibility as a parent.
Just recently, my oldest son thanked me for being steadfast and told me how this helped him in college and in other areas of his life.
I am concerned that he drank enough from a "flask" that it landed him in the er. I am a mom of 3 ranging from 19-25 now. my rules were and are fair, if there is a family gathering, holiday dinner etc anyone wanting wine/beer with their meal or dessert it was ok. I haven't drank alcohol for the better part of 10 yrs (rare exceptions ex daughters wedding toast etc) out of choice not illness or medications. It was not ok to lie, come home drunk or force others to participate.
Pay attention to the side step.( I only had a sip mom etc) Life for teens is difficult. Life for any of us on a spirtual path isn't easy.
Have faith that you will respond in a firm, acceptable manner. Ask for guidance if you need it and be available to drive any time any where for any reason and make sure your child knows that you are willing to assist but not ignore the issue.
Good luck and life of 17 doesn't last forever.
LET YOUR CHILDREN DRINK AND EXPERIENCE THE EFFECTS OF ALCOHOL BUT UNDER YOUR SUPERVISION FOR THE PURPOSE OF SAFE DRINKING BE INTERNALIZED BY YOUR GROWN UP CHILDREN.I HAVE EXPERIENCE DRINKING WITH MY FRIEND,I'VE BEEN SAFE BUT I DID NOT ABUSE THE ALCOHOL,I'VE BEEN FINE,AND WITH THE ADVISES FROM MY DAD,I HAVE LEARNED TO BE RESPONSIBLE DRINKER.WE DRINK BECAUSE WE WANT TO RELAX FROM ALL THE FATIGUES OF OUR DAILY WORKS,BUT,IT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO THINK OF SAFETY FIRST ABOVE ALL,SO THAT DRINKING WILL REMAIN GOOD SOURCE OF RELAXATION,ONCE IN A WHILE.
Many people have their opinions but I feel we should approach the matter of the 5 silas the one being suramerayamajjapamadatthana veramani sikkhapatham samadhiyami which cannot totally be translated from Pali into English entirely but of course it depends on how skilful the translator is. From some readings it translates as : I uptake the training to refrain from taking intoxicants. The Buddha laid down the 5 precepts and from some teachings it is mentioned that in your right state of mind you may not break the other 4 trainings which are to refrain from killing, stealing, engaging in sexual misconduct and conducting improper speech ie lewd or idle talk.However, if you break the 5th which is the refrainment of intoxicants,this may lead you to break the other 4. This is of course very true because of a lowering of inhibitions. However,you cannot make someone stop drinking if they don't want to because where there's a will there's a way. Another thing is, it is probably not wise to condone drinking especially as a parent because you have to lay down rules for your child. You also have to kind of set an example. If you are in a family that does drink, perhaps it would be wiser to teach moderation. The thing about teens is that they want to have fun, they want to be part of the group so you have to keep that in mind. I agree with Isis in that you shouldn't allow it in the home but since you cannot control what he does, he should at least learn to do it in moderation. I also agree with Your Name in that you should try to find out the reason for the drinking. However, I feel he's just letting loose considering that he's been home schooled and perhaps even trying to show that he can "hang" with the rest.
I learned my lesson the hard way when I was young. I went to a party and drank a lot. Someone had some marijuana and after I smoked it, the world spun. I pretty much spent the rest of the night lying down in the porch in my own vomit. I was embarrassed more than anything and told myself I would not allow myself to get that drunk again.
So, in conclusion, I'd say it's best not to drink but if someone's going to do it, they should at least be responsible about it and that's what should be instilled. Hopefully, one day he'll learn to uphold the 5th precept better. It's a gradually thing for some. This is why many Buddhists request to uptake the training every time they go to the temple.
I hope this helps. Anyway, continue to make merit through giving, upholding precepts and meditating and sharing that merit with your son, loved ones and all sentient beings and hopefully through that merit may he gain wisdom and stray from heedlessness.
Regardless of your motivation it is illegal in most states to provide alcohol in any form or amount to an underage individual, even if they are your son.
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