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Handicap Me! excerpt from All Is Forgiven, Move On, the best permanent fat removal book ever written, by Janice Taylor, Beliefnet Blogger
Golf is a great leveler. It’s handicapping system enables beginners to compete with skilled players. A zero handicap is called a ‘scratch’ handicap, and a 20 handicap is called a ‘bogey.’ The handicap measures how well you’d stand up against a ‘scratch’ golfer.
Our Lady of Weight Loss is well aware that some of us have bigger challenges to overcome than others, so she had me design a formula for computing our weight loss handicaps, enabling us to compete with those with high metabolisms, those who forget to eat, and the gym bunnies of the world.
How to Calculate and Best Utilize the Our Lady of Weight Loss Handicap System
Note: Handicaps are earned. They are for professional ‘dieters’ ONLY. In order to receive a handicap, you will have had to have been on at least five diets in your lifetime. (I suspect that qualifies most of us.) 5 different diet plans that you followed for least 5 weeks long. This is not for the weak at heart. For those who are playin’ around with weight loss. This is hard core!
Instructions:
Step 1: Total the pounds lost in your last attempt to lose weight over the course of the last five weeks you were on said diet.
Step 2: Multiply that number by the number of children you have living at home.
Step 3: If you are living with an adult who insists on eating in front of you and who is insensitive to your weight loss mood swings, factor in an additional point. If he or she is truly impossible, give yourself another 3 points. Add to above number.
Step 4: Multiply that number by 3.
Step 5: Divide by 5. (Slice off fractions, as you would slivers of cake.)
Step 6: For every 10 points, give yourself one handicap point. Those who have a handicap of 10 or more are called ‘turnips.’ (Thus, the above art in case you were confused.)
How to use your handicap:
The next time someone asks you how much you lost this week, feel free to add your handicap into the equation. This system should level the field for those who are competing at group meetings, in offices or at home! Or for those who are letting the Scales of Injustice get to them.
Remember, it’s only a number. Have some fun with it!
What’s your weight loss handicap?
For more light-hearted, yet serious inspiration and motivation, join Our Lady of Weight Loss’s Kick in the Tush Club community.
Janice Taylor is a 50 pound big-time-loser, weight loss coach, certified hypnotist, author, motivational speaker. Her next workshop is at Omega Institute.
posted May 24, 2008 at 11:07 am
I am a little late posting this on suffering. It really hit a chord with me. I have lost 30ish pounds and i havent suffered. Ive lost it one pound at a time. I quit beating up on myself and was happy that i lost one pound at a time rather than societies crazy lose 10 pounds in a week plan. Gradually, ive added healthy behaviors. they kind of built up on each other like a pyramid. I usually dont tell people this because i think they are locked into the have to suffer system. Some months, like when family members had surgeries, i didnt lose anything, but i didnt gain either. I celebrate my victories by reviewing them in my mind. I wish you all a lot of luck on your journey. Keep on loving yourself and getting healthier.