I really admire this passage from Joe Biden’s memoir, Promises to Keep. It’s about the sudden death of his wife, Neilia (above), and their baby daughter Naomi in a car accident shortly after his election to the Senate in 1992. It is defiantly not an explication of the power of faith, but rather an honest — and politically risky — description of what it really felt like. His faith returned later, but I think anyone who has been through horrific tragedy will appreciate the honesty here:
They flew us to Wilmington, but I didn’t know anything for sure until I got to the hospital. All the way up, I kept telling myself that everything was going to be okay, that I was letting my imagination run away with me, but the minute I got to the hospital and saw Jimmy’s face, I knew the worst had happened. Beau, Hunt and Naomi had been in the car with Neilia when the accident happened. Neilia had been killed and so had our baby daughter. The boys were both alive, but Beau had a lot of broken bones and hunt had injuries. The doctors couldn’t rule out permanent damage. I could not speak, only felt this hollow core grow in my chest, like I was gong to be sucked inside a black hole.
The first few days I felt trapped in a constant twilight of vertigo, like in the dream where you’re suddenly falling…only I was constantly falling. In moments of fitful sleep I was aware of the dim possibility that I would wake up, truly wake up, and this would not have happened. But then I’d open my eyes to the sight of my sons in their hospital beds -Beau in a full body cast–and it was back. And as consciousness gathered again, I could always feel at least one other physical present in the room–and there would be Val, or my mom, or Jimmy. They never left my side. I have no memory of ever being physically alone.
Most of all I was numb, but there were moments when the pain cut through like a shard of broken class. I began to understand how despair led people to just cash it in; how suicide wasn’t just an option but a rational option. But I’d look at Beau and Hunter asleep and wonder what new terrors their own dreams held, and wonder who would explain to my sons my being gone, too. And I knew I had no choice but to fight to stay alive.
Except for the memorial service, I stayed in the hospital room with my sons. My life collapsed into their needs. If I could focus on what they needed minute by minute, I thought I might stay out of the black hole. My future was telescoped into the effort of putting one foot in front of the other. The horizon faded fro my view. Washington, politics, the Senate had no hold on me. I was supposed to be sworn into the Senate in two weeks, but I could not bear to image the scene without Neilia….
There was good news: The doctors assured us that Beau and Hunter would make full recoveries. Beau’s bones would mend. Hunter had no brain impairment. But Christmas passed with the boys in the hospital, and I began to feel my anger. When the boys were asleep or when Val or Mom was taking a turn at their bedside, I’d bust out of the hospital and go walking the nearby streets. Jimmy would go with me, and I’d steer him wordlessly down into the darkest and seediest neighborhoods I could find. I liked to go at night when I thought there was a better chance of finding a fight. I was always looking for a fight. I had not known I was capable of such rage. I knew I had been cheated out of a future, but I felt I’d been cheated of a past, too.
The underpinnings of my life had been kicked out from under me…and it wasn’t just the loss of Neilia and Naomi. All my life, I’d been taught about our benevolent God. This is a forgiving God who is tolerant. This is a God who gave us free will to be able to doubt. This was a loving God, a God of comfort. Well, I didn’t want to hear anything about a merciful God. No words, no prayer, no sermon gave me ease. I felt God had played a horrible trick on me, and I was angry. I found no comfort in the Church. So I kept walking the dark streets to try to exhaust the rage.”
posted October 2, 2008 at 1:02 pm
I am not a parent, so God knows I did not face that level of pain. But I, too, traveled some dark roads this year. I had to spend fourteen months in Iraq, while dealing with tragedy. My grandfathers both passed away within months, pain enough. But so did my Dad. He was only 46. It was like a nightmare, I kept hoping to wake up from. To this day, I can’t really believe that I am going back home to the States, and that I will not see him there.
I could go on. If it’s happened to you, there’s no need to. If it hasn’t, you can’t know what it’s like. The pain has barely faded in its intensity. It just comes less frequently, a year and a half later. I thought some dark thoughts this year. But I could never leave my brothers and mother to face more of the pain than they’ve already had to. I talked it out with professionals. Mostly I’ve just endured it. I’m back from the brink, or at least as back as I’m ever going to be.
But I also realize how fragile I am, how fragile the well-being of all of us really are. I am religious, so I state this with conviction, even if I don’t mean it quite literally: dark things howl about us, all the time. Most of us are shielded from them, most of the time. But it is a great mystery to me, that God should permit them to be at all, and that he should permit us to experience their presence when we are at our lowest, and defenseless. I have heard no satisfactory explanation for it, though it is some small comfort that Jesus is said to have experienced it himself when he walked this Earth.
posted October 2, 2008 at 2:34 pm
What a powerful and moving story. It speaks volumes about Biden that he came through such a terrible tragedy.
posted October 3, 2008 at 12:21 pm
AnotherBeliever,
At age 16 I lost the sight in my left eye. Some kid was playing around with a belt and hit me in the eye, brusing and eventually detaching the retina. My reaction was to ask why, to wonder if God was punishing me for some reason I didn’t know about. All my plans to join the Navy and see the world, to fully become a man, were gone. It felt like my life was a bushel basket that had been turned upside down. I can truly relate to Sen. Biden’s feeling of wanting to just cut and run. At 18 I had my hand on my Father’s .38 Colt pistol and put it to my right temple, ready to blow my brains out. What stopped me was the rational/irrational thought that because (I thought) I’d screwed up my life so badly so far, I’d probably mess up this attempt and be left like a vegetable, leaving my Mom with a real mess to handle, which I didn’t want and put the pistol away.
Now I had to start all over. At first I denied it, thought that my sight might return. Then I pleaded with God, give me back my sight and I’ll be a model Christian. When that didn’t happen I kept asking “Why me?”
At age 21 I got my answer, it was “Why not you.” When I finally accepted the fact my sight was gone, never to return, I got the greatest lesson of my life, in 3 words. Life Goes On. I found that I could beat my head on that inner brick wall all I wanted and all I’d get was a bloody head. God knew better than me why it happened. It happened. Now go on with life.
It’s no Christian bromide to say there’s a lesson in every tradegy. There’s gift of learning in each major event that occurs in our life. Life goes on, as it will and we must simply deal he cards we’re dealt. Get the gift and go on. I wish you a great gift.
posted October 3, 2008 at 8:45 pm
No one at age 29 has the life experiences to deal with the devastating loss that Senator Biden experienced. The voice this passage speaks from is that of a 29 year old man who had experienced amazing success and, then as a result of a senseless car accident lost a wife and daughter, that made all of his success meaningless. For him to speak so honestly of his feelings, how it impacted his faith, tells me he has amazing character .. and amazing faith.
posted October 3, 2008 at 9:56 pm
I can’t imagine what it would be like to lose a spouse and child separately, never mind in a single moment. He has obviouly made it through, but I’m sure that horrible day and the days after will always be with him.
posted October 5, 2008 at 4:52 pm
I was in a car accident with my younger brother. He got a serious brain injury. The horrible anxiety of watching someone you love in the ICU, not knowing how much they will recover, is indescribable. Biden’s words ring so true. That was the worst crisis of my faith, I wasn’t bothered much by what happened to me, but I couldn’t understand why God would let that happen to my brother. I think it is hardest to believe in God when you see innocent children or your closest love ones be hurt.
posted October 27, 2008 at 7:13 am
WELL IT IS SAD, BUT HIS BROTHER WAS ACTUALLY INVOLVED IN A FATAL HIT AND RUN THAT LEFT TWO YOUNG GIRLS ORPHANED.
YOU WOULD THINK THE BIDENS COULD RELATE, BUT NOT EVEN ACKNOWLEDGMENT WAS OFFERED TO THE VICTIMS BY ANY OF THE BIDEN FAMILY, NOT EVEN FRANK, THE ONE RESPONSIBLE…
MAYBE HES NOT SO ADMIRABLE AFTER ALL???
posted March 29, 2009 at 3:12 pm
It’s about the sudden death of his wife, Neilia (above), and their baby daughter Naomi in a car accident shortly after his election to the Senate in 1992.
This was in 1972 not 1992.