Stuff Christian Culture Likes

There is an unwritten rule in Christian culture that pastor's wives do not work outside the home. Once married, most pastor's wives relinquish their vocation and set about the full-time business of wifedom. They are very earnest in their mission to be their husband's support, encourager, and Proverbs 31 vixen.

Most pastor's wives are indeed college educated (though often partially), having secured their husband by way of their university's Campus Crusade ministry. The rest of them met at Christian college where most everyone is looking to mate for life. If said wife does work outside the home after they are married, she will without question quit her job when they start having children. (And they will have more than one. You won't find a pastoral couple who has only one child. It does not exist in nature.)

The pastor's wife keeps extremely busy with her homeschool curriculum, coordinating the children's ministry at church and leading Beth Moore bible studies. But once the kids are grown and out of the house it is common for the pastor's wife to get her real estate license. This is an excellent business move, for from here she automatically becomes the real estate agent for every single person in the congregation.

This is a fun little catchphrase that every pastor keeps chambered. They use it after saying something they imagine was startling.

Common uses of this phrase in sermons include:

"I know what you're thinking. Isn't God supposed to be a loving God?"

"I know what you're thinking. Pastor Ed, are you going to lecture me on the evils of alcohol?"

"Now I know what you're thinking. Crazy preacher man spouting off at the mouth about the whore of Babylon and some such."

"Now I know what you're thinking. Pastor Mark, what do you mean I should tithe more than 10%?"

And the most common version:

"I know what you're thinking: easier said that done."

This psychic revelation is often followed by "I'm not here to lecture you" or "You'd better believe it."

Much of American Christian culture opposes the Ground Zero mosque. They say their main problem with it is the disrespectful locale, but they often go on to say that Islam is probably going to annihilate America (a.k.a. "God's nation" in Christian culture) before long and they'd feel a lot better if those sneaky Muslims weren't setting up shop underfoot. As is their wont, they tie their Christianity to this argument, however tenuously.

The Christ whom these people purport to follow taught embracing and honoring of all people (including Muslims), but Christian culture seems to have swept that nugget under the rug.

This segment of Christian culture is ready to hold all Muslims reponsible for the actions of extremists, but if extremists' actions don't align with what Islam teaches then it seems their religion wouldn't actually be Islam. By the same token, people who call themselves Christians but don't practice what Christ taught often aren't Christians at all, and even though they claim to do things in his name, their actions speak much more loudly. Funny thing, that.

American evangelicals enjoy posting pictures of their swanky church buildings online. These evangelical churches typically expend great effort and spare little expense to make their worship and gathering facilities intriguing and relevant.

As megachurches build out, they're under greater culturally-imposed pressure to make each of their satellites a little hipper and that much more relevant than the last. They've gotta reach people, you know? Who wants to visit a boring-looking church with lame fonts and hymnals? The ancient church's mission is relegated to the backburner. They are now primarily seeker-friendly.

These churches are very proud of themselves when they've completed a remodel. For hundreds of thousands, sometimes millions of dollars, wouldn't you be? They're excited to get the pictures on Facebook and in the paper to show off the building, which is always charming and dreamy. It looks happily air-conditioned and they've got snacks! And it probably still smells like drywall. I want to visit it. I bet I'd feel like no terrorist could get me there.

In order for a Christian church to spend that kind of money on this type of thing some substantial cognitive dissonance must be in effect. Ghettos and homelessness are in the same communities as each revamped state-of-the-art church building. In the south, the poor and homeless tend to stay safely away from the middle and upper classes which makes them easier not to think about. On the coasts, poverty and homelessness are usually on the same block as awesome new church buildings that have security systems and espresso in the lobby. In either case, it's super easy to stay away from the poor and needy or just step over them on your way to church. Same goes double for the rest of the week. Just like Jesus said to do. Glory to God!

Jim Elliot was an evangelical missionary to Ecuador who was killed by the tribe he tried to convert. He is now blisteringly famous within Christian culture for being a martyr of the faith.



Everyone in Christian culture knows that it was Jim Elliot who said "He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose," and most have written it on the inside cover of their Bible at some point in their evangelical career. However, most of Christian culture can't name the other four missionaries who were killed along with Jim. They're Pete Best in this scenario, and Jim Elliot is Ringo.

The quiet time is a hallowed institution in Christian culture.

“Awesome” is Christian culture’s favorite adjective for God. It’s their default descriptor when speaking of him.

Christian culture is historically known for leaving a gospel tract when they tip in restaurants.

With the overturning of Proposition 8, Christian culture is certain the end times are upon us.

Christian culture likes to display their families in stick-figure effigy on their vans and SUVs