Jon & Kate & The Unbearable Lightness Of Looking Away

Monday June 22, 2009

Categories: Current Events, Marriage

I might be, I think, one of the very few people in the Western Hemisphere who is not, this very minute, watching Jon & Kate Plus Eight to hear Jon and Kate announce the dissolution of their marriage. Which is funny, I suppose, seeing as I have found them, and the media furor surrounding them, kind of fascinating - as a story in itself, and also as a reflection of North American attitudes about parenting and family and, especially, motherhood. But although marriage (or whatever partnering arrangement) is pretty central to the experience of parenting and family and motherhood for many - and so the dissolution of this marriage relevant to this narrative - I find that I cannot watch.

I can't watch because it is so tragic. The implosion of any family is tragic. I have spent many an hour crying with my mother and my father - together, separately - about the implosion of their marriage. I have spent many more hours still crying with my sister about the implosion of her marriage. I spent hours this weekend crying with a dear, dear friend as her heart broke over the implosion of her marriage. Love, marriage, family: when these fall apart, it is a terrible thing. It is no less terrible for Jon and Kate, whatever we might think of them.

It is, perhaps, more terrible for Jon and Kate. Or, that is, it is more terrible that I, that we all, witness this falling-apart. Because, it seems to me, their marriage has faltered, has fallen to pieces, in part, at least, because they lived their lives on the screen, because they exposed themselves so fully to us, because they laid themselves so bare and then found that they didn't have the resources - as partners, as a family - to cope with such a baring. And so although this terrible thing is as much a part of their story as any mundane detail of their lives-on-the-screen, I find that I cannot watch, because watching the tragedy, it seems, has everything to do with why that tragedy occurred in the first place.

It seems the least I can do, then, to look away just this once. To pretend, at least, that they will handle this worst chapter in their story with some dignity, some reserve. To pretend that it doesn't matter whether or not they do.

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Filed Under: divorce, jon & kate, jon & kate plus 8, kate gosselin, marriage

posted by Catherine Connors @ 8:43pm Permalink email icon

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SpoiledMom

June 23, 2009 11:47 AM

http://spoiledmom-mommyconfessions.blogspot.com

Excellent post!

Do not feel alone, I could not watch either.

Number one, I did not want to be part of the rating's. How selfless of them to use the "dissolution of their marriage" to gain ratings.

Like you, I think when any one's marriage comes to an end, no matter the circumstances it is very heart wrenching, personal, sad time. It is not something to be televised, it is a personal, private matter. The difference here is that Jon and Kate decided four years ago to have their lives put in front of the cameras. You can't say, well, I want to film this, but not this. If you want that..don't' call in the cameras and expect the big paycheck. Exhibit one: Kate Gosselin--she wanted it all filmed.
I was shocked at one of this morning's clips from the show where Kate said she gave herself "a good half a day to cry and sob like she has never before." A half day? Seriously?

I am so tired of hearing how Jon and Kate did this show because they "wanted to capture the family moments for their kids." Doesn't every family? I, too, wanted to have every movement and expression on my daughters' faces from every vacation we went on. As well as from the first time my oldest daughter saw her baby sister's face for the first time, to the time they each saw the beach and felt the sand between their toes, to all the other "firsts". I have a video recorder and a camera. I was able to capture most of the moments.
My family, as every other family, did not need a tv film crew to accomplish this. I surely would not have wanted on film every marital strife my late husband and I went through. Those are personal and private matters. Even if you are on a "reality family show", there are some things that should be kept private. Jon and Kate have crossed the line in many episodes involving the children in "very-personal situations" that I, myself, would be horrified to have filmed. Imagine how these children will feel when they are old enough to see these moments captured forever on film.
I do not want to play the blame game. We do not know what really happened, other than what we have heard or read. All I can go by is what I viewed on the show. I saw Jon caring for the kids a lot more than Kate. He bathed them every night, even when he had a "real job". He dressed the kids, put them in the van, and all the while Kate was berating Jon's every move. ON FILM. She self proclaimed she was very organized and would have everything ready to go the night before an outing or trip. I'll give her that. The kids would sleep in their clothes at times, so they would not have to change them. Jon also played with the kids-hands on, while Kate sat in a chair, on her phone, and screamed. I know there is the power of tv editing, but would TLC purposefully do that-make Kate appear in such a way if she was not?
After the Utah trip, it was clear this family was about to implode before our eyes. During that same episode, Kate said to Jon something about their upcoming Hawaii trip. Viewers were not aware-at that time-of the wedding vow renewal. This was not "reality". It was produced reality. I often wondered why they did the Hawaii trip on their 9th anniversary and not on their 10th... now we know. But Kate wanted that Hawaii trip.
Kate's sister-in-law, Jodi, has stated that before the show started production, Kate gave TLC a list of places she wanted to go and things she wanted to do, (and receive).
Low and behold, we saw them do all of it.
The premise of this show was to capture the the life of a family with multiples-struggles, budgets, and all. I did not see much struggling, until now..
I saw a clip of the show this morning where Kate says she "doesn't want to do this alone". Seriously? We may not have eight children, but there are a lot of mothers "doing this alone", and KUDOS to them! Those mothers, I am sure, do not have "the bank" that Kate has, nor do "their children" have a 1.3 million dollar home, with nannies, and other "helpers" to "do it alone" in.
Sorry for the lengthy comment. I thought your post excellent and it gave me an outlet. Stepping down from soap-box, now.

CatrinkaS

June 23, 2009 12:18 PM

http://thismattersthisday.blogspot.com/2009/06/big.html

Me either, me too.

Have we completely eradicated "none of my business?" Because, sometimes, some things - aren't. Even when someone else makes it your business - flaunts it, flouts it - still not. "Because watching the tragedy, it seems, has everything to do with why that tragedy occurred in the first place..." Well, yes, exactly. Reality TV, isn't - and its illusion of reality makes it especially relatable, or provides illusory relatability (? I should edit that out, but I will leave it...)

I heard a radio DJ say, in relation to some celebrity marital mess, "I don't think we know the whole story." Well, NO! Of course we don't. We, the voyeurs, cannot possibly know the compromises in one couple's marriage, cannot possibly know when those compromises become too much... can't possibly understand any of it. We DON'T know. And watching wouldn't make us know - it would just make us... watchers.

Ick, I say. Let's be done with this story. Jon, Kate, and the whole tragic lot of them - they need to pull themselves out of the public eye, the mainstream, the THIS - and move on. Those children deserve a shot of normalcy elsewhere. And soon. So they have any hope of recovering from any of this.

pagansister

June 23, 2009 1:08 PM

No surprise. Having watched the entire 5 years it was on, only 2 or 3 times, I was surprised that they've stayed together this long. Hope they saved some of their money...And as someone said in a previous post...the children will be the "victims" of this whole thing. And as someone said above, Kate treated Jon like a child, and IMO, she really seems to be a b****.
How does anyone live their lives with a camera following their every move? That isn't exactly normal.

carosgram

June 24, 2009 5:39 PM

I have watched the show for several years but not this year. It is too sad. It reminds me of the people who gawk when passing a traffic accident. I always turn away and move on. I believe it takes two people to wreck a marriage and that having one child causes enormous stress to any marriage. Having 8 in 4 years must put unbelievable pressure on everyone. At least the tv show help with the monetary issues. However I feel that it is a similar situation to Brittany Spears last year. I don't want to watch someone fall apart. I hate to think that people make money showing such tragedy and misery. I hate to hold people up to the public eye when they are at their worst. And I hate the rush to judgment on who is the 'good guy' and who is the 'evil witch'. And the misogeny(sp) that automatically makes so many blame the woman, just because she is angry and shows it. Where are the real feminists when Kate needs them?

Your Name

July 25, 2009 4:51 PM

I, for one, will no longer be part of this tragedy. For this family to continue to do the show under the present circumstances is ridiculous. Kate has turned into a self-proclaimed "star", Jon has turned in to a womanizer, and the kids will suffer the consequences. PLEASE TLC do the right thing and take this show off the air!! It is a sad state of affairs when it becomes entertaining to watch a family fall apart.

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