There was one night - just one - over the past few weeks in which I have felt abandoned, as opposed to simply sad, confused, or trying to open myself to grace. But that night, several things hit me at once -realizations about insurance, about taxes, about the unsold house up north, and so on. Abandoned was how I felt that night.Oh, why...why was I brought here to this new place only to be left with everything on my shoulders?
But Saturday evening, coming out of Mass (because I was to get back into the swing of things and lead an adult ed session Sunday morning), having thanked the associate pastor for the Mass card he had sent, I walked down to the parking lot, saw the hills - mountains - across the way, the Vulcan standing up there (There he is, brothers, Michael would say almost every time he loomed into view), and I was, in the midst of the loss, grateful. Grateful to be here in this place, grateful that, if this was going to happen, it happened here. It is good to be here.
I was also grateful for the sorrows of Our Lady, grateful for that organic Catholic attentiveness to the whole of life that includes hope and faith in the Resurrection, but does not ignore the sorrow. That takes Jesus' words about suffering seriously and to heart.
I was struck both by the Scriptures and the homily, which emphasized Jesus' preparing the apostles for what was to come. How did he prepare them? He gave them a glimpse of glory, but did not fail to warn them of the suffering on the way. Did they listen? Do we?
And although I try to minimize the effect on me, it all sent me into a mild fury regarding attempts to strip the story of pain, to render the Gospel nothing but a collection of helpful aphorisms, to remove the crucifixes, to exhort us to go out and simply be kind.
For the Gospel - the Good News - is not just about words - a message given by a prophet to which we politely listen and either accept or reject. It is about what really happens in life, about God entering that place, and transforming it.
That "place" is this life of brokenness, loss, sin, sorrow and death. Jesus did not come to teach us how to pretend all of that doesn't exist or to talk our way out of it or even how to make it through or explain it.
He came to be in it, to transform it. To journey through it, to reconcile in the way that only his sacrifice could.
To strip a church, church, liturgy and devotional life of those elements does no one any favors, for such an act pushes aside the totality of what God, in his passion, compassion and mercy has done - and still does, which is the point.
I was also grateful for liturgy - Catholic liturgy, although it is certainly characteristic of almost all liturgy, by nature - that lets me be. That prays and sings and chants of God's love and mercy, of repentance and forgiveness, of justice...and gives me the freedom to enter this place in whatever way I choose. That does not manipulate me or try to direct my emotions. That does not demand that I respond with a certain level or type of emotion. That does not make myself and my life the center of the drama, but rather points me relentless, but compassionately and authentically, towards Christ. And allows me the space to listen...and respond, out of freedom, in my own way, on my own time. To listen.
It is good that we are here.
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Amazing post Amy -- I'll be thinking about your remarks on the liturgy for a whole...
...but can you please do something about the birth control ads that appear on the top of your blog? I find it infuriating that Beliefnet is running these ads on a Catholic blog. I know that you have no direct control over the ads, but surely there is someone at Beliefnet who will listen to you? Seeing that ad really discouraged me.
I don't see a birth control ad. Someone does want to persuade me that it's possible for a "Christian Mom" to make 5 grand a month working from home. Yeah, sure.
Amy,
Wonderful words.
First, let me say, I am deeply sorry for your loss. I prayed for Michael when I heard the news and will add him in my daily prayers for all my family and friends who've passed away.
I'll make this brief -- school night.
You may not remember me, but I had you on my radio show in Louisville a couple times: The Paul Clemens Show. I now live in Tuscaloosa with my new wife. Today, we took our first road trip to St. Paul Cathedral for Mass in B'Ham.
If you need anything (and I mean it), let me know. I work in a law firm in T-Town. Please email me your email. I think I have all your old numbers. If you have any time or inclination, it would be my pleasure to talk with you. I would love for you to meet my wife -- she was going to call you before she converted to ask you questions. I lost both my parents unexpectedly within 8 months in 2006.
Well, it's late. Please keep in touch. I'll keep your whole family in my prayers.
Paul
With tears running down my cheeks - I thank God for your words...
Gentle hugs~
dear lady if priests, deaconss, etc, wrote as well as you do the pews would not be empty on sundays--you are gracious example of women in the church---
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