Virtual Talmud: May 2007 Archives

I don't have the same problem Rabbi Waxman does with the Orthodox Union's recent effort to promote abstinence among its young people. The OU's site does seem to include accurate information, at least to my medically untrained eye, particularly by including a link to the Food and Drug Administration's web site that in turn includes how to safely use a condom. The OU deserves to be praised for including that.

Don't get me wrong, though. I found much of the OU site very disturbing. While their emphasis on negiah, refraining from touching between boys and girls, is nothing new, it is part of a larger objectification of women and actually can serve to sexualize all contact (even normal social contact) between the sexes, which is why the Orthodox separate men and women to such an extent. What is even worse is their framing of teen sexuality in the context of sin and karet, the punishment of being cut off for the sin of having sex during a woman's period, which seems irresponsible when we think about the rising number of teen suicides. Their story of Sarah seems like a girl who could have just as easily hurt herself as found comfort in the concept of teshuvah (forgiveness). I was also troubled by their cumulative message in their carefully crafted section on condoms that ultimately undermines the importance of condoms in protecting against STDs and AIDS.

We do need to talk about responsible sexual behavior for our young people. Between TV, advertising and the movies, our young people are being raised in such a sexualized society that promoting abstinence provides a balance to the incredible pressures our kids are under. Perhaps we parents are not doing our job to the extent that we should. It important, and possible, to teach our children to wait. There are prerequisites for sexual intimacy such as maturity, commitment, and the ability to cope with consequences of one's actions, in addition to love, trust, honesty, mutual kindness, and respect.

We need to talk to our kids, know where they are going, when they will be back, who they will be with, and which parents will be home when they have a party or are over each other's homes. We need to provide adequate parental supervision to support safe behaviors, like not letting them be alone in potentially compromising situations in addition to helping them set boundaries for intimate behavior. We also need to make time to listen to our kids and be willing to ask them straight questions about their friends and personal activities. (This goes for smoking and drugs as well.) That means we will sometimes be labeled old fashioned or the bad guys, but it also means our kids will be safer.

With all that said, though, a chaste kiss and hand holding is certainly different than heavy petting. There is also a difference between telling our teens that they must wait and guiding adults in how to determine when a relationship is serious enough to warrant thinking about more intimate relations. Rabbi Elliot Dorff, in the Conservative Movement's Rabbinic Letter on Intimate Relations, writes not about abstinence but about waiting. Perhaps that is a much better model for our young people, for it educates them to be better able to make wise choices not just about a particular intimate act but about what the prerequisites are for a healthy relationship throughout their lives.

Read the Full Debate: Should We Teach Abstinence to Teens?

• Rabbi Stern: The OU's Conversion to Christianity


• Rabbi Waxman: The Seduction of Abstinence


• Rabbi Waxman: Teen Pregnancy & Aids: Not a Jewish Problem?


• Rabbi Stern: Rabbi Waxman, That's Not What I Meant

Kol ha kavod to Rabbi Stern on drawing the line between the coercive power of the Israeli Rabbinate and their encroachment on the American Orthodox Rabbinate’s authority over American conversions. However, I wonder if Rabbi Stern would be willing to go so far as to defend the right of those who receive non-Orthodox conversions here in America? Under Israeli law, such converts have the Right of Return, but are not recognized as Jews for religious or personal status purposes, like weddings or burials. Such policies are just the tip of the iceberg on a long list of ways that the Orthodox Rabbinate in Israel has alienated average Israelis so that they generally have a very negative attitude about our tradition and Jewish observance. While there are individual Orthodox rabbis in Israel who do not fit this mold, most do. As such, the Orthodox Rabbinate in Israel is perhaps the greatest threat to Israel’s future as a Jewish State.

My converts observe kashrut, celebrate the Sabbath, learn to read Hebrew and pray. Some have become regular Torah readers in our congregation. They, like the Biblical Ruth, have embraced our God and our people and made a commitment to live their lives through the mitzvot. Yet, it is not only the Orthodox in Israel who will reject them, but much of the Orthodox Rabbinate here as well.

We have more than enough challenges facing the Jewish community than to have to fight over turf and boundaries. It is high time that the Orthodox Rabbinate here and in Israel agree to serve on joint batei din (religious courts) with their non-Orthodox colleagues to train and welcome converts. This model has served a limited number of communities well and had been offered as a compromise by the Conservative (Masorti) Movement in Israel in its efforts to come to some arrangement with the Israeli government and Rabbinate.

Ruth becomes the progenitor of King David, and thus the future messiah, perhaps as a reminder to us all to do all we can to be welcoming to those who want to join our people and embrace our laws.

Read the Full Debate: Conversion, Choice, & Shavuot's Message

• Shavuot: Choice and Coercion in Modern-Day Life

How many Jewish mothers does it take to change the Jewish mother stereotype?

I don't know about you, but the Jewish mothers I knew--my mother and both my grandmothers--were loving individuals who gave unstintingly of themselves to their children in a way that was guilt-free and empowering. Yes, Jewish mothers are usually pretty clear they want their children to do well in school (perhaps another contributor to the Jewish intelligence quotient). They want their children to succeed financially so they will not to have to worry about having enough money to put food on the table and a roof over their heads (something that we, who did not live through European famines or the Depression, find hard to fully appreciate).

I am not a fan of any stereotypical humor: such humor made at the expense of others is equally offensive whether the focus of the joke is a Jewish mother or someone of Polish, Irish, Chinese, or (you get the picture) extraction. Much of the talk radio debate about the firing of Don Imus over the sexist and racist remarks he made about the Rutgers Women's Basketball team focused on whether the only ones who can use derogatory humor about a group of people is a member of that particular group. But stereotyping is never OK. Jewish mother jokes are a sad and sexist way to respond to the women who gave us birth and would have done almost anything it took to help us succeed in life.

--Posted by Rabbi Susan Grossman

Read the Full Debate: Is Jewish Mother Humor Harmful or Harmless?

• Rabbi Stern: Jewish Mothers, Take a Joke

It is not just our traditional and liturgical emphasis on asking questions that contributes to what Rabbi Waxman terms the “Jewish intellectual legacy.” It is the value Jewish traditional learning placed upon engaging different opinions.

The Talmud is full of such debates: different opinions are tried, compared and tested. Often a successful conclusion means finding how the opinions of two or more rabbis can be internally consistent (and therefore legitimate) even if they represent diametrically opposite opinions. The model of Talmudic study has not only honed our ability to think clearly but has also created a Jewish culture open to the difference of opinions. It so imbues who we are that even the least affiliated Jew is familiar with some version of the quip, “Ask two Jews, get three opinions.” It is this openness and concurrent tendency against dogma, which is responsible for creating the kind of cultural environment that stimulates creative thinking. It means that Jews are disproportionately represented among the greatest achievers in modern science and culture, as reflected in the number of Nobel Prizes awarded to Jews. It also means that we may have a slightly greater tendency than our peers to think for ourselves and reject tradition and authority. That can be a blessing and a curse. We are what the Bible calls a "stiff-necked people." This reflects great strength of purpose and character but also plain stubbornness as we exert our sovereign selves, often at the cost of rejecting the very tradition that contributed so much to who we have become.

--Posted by Rabbi Susan Grossman

Read the Full Debate: Are Jews Intellectually Superior?

• Rabbi Waxman: Questioning Jewish Genius


• Rabbi Stern: Who Cares!

I brought my 7th grade class to the U.S. Holocaust Museum in Washington last Sunday. I wish I could say they were learning past history. The sad news is, they were not. The very same day, people gathered in front of White House to protest the genocide in Darfur. The U.S. Holocaust Museum has added an exhibit about the genocide in Darfur. It is situated between Holocaust history and survivor testimony.

Someone once quipped, "If you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem." Which are we? We have a sign on our synagogue's lawn, "Not on our watch, Save Dafur." What are we willing to do so another genocide does not happen on our watch?

As individuals we may not have the clout of a Steven Spielberg, mentioned by Rabbis Waxman and Stern, but together we can make a difference. We can write to President Bush and our Congress people to enact what is called Plan B for Darfur: to enact and enforce targeted sanctions against the Sudan, to enforce a no-fly zone over Darfur, to authorize aide, and to support UN peacekeepers to keep pressure up on China. We can make donations to the Save Darfur Coalition, and work in our local communities to raise awareness.

Last year, my 7th grade class joined me at the large Darfur rally after we visited the Holocaust Museum. Following their visit, the class sold donuts for Darfur and raised $360.36. I was there when they counted the money, so I can attest that no one added anything to make these numbers come out the way they did. The funds added up to twice double chai (chai=18), which symbolizes life. Perhaps it was a siman, a sign, that this next generation can do what our generation has not yet been able to do: build a world in which genocides will no longer be allowed to occur. In the meantime, we must do what we can so when our children ask what we did during this tragedy, we can at least say we did not stand idly by while another genocide occurred.

--Posted by Rabbi Susan Grossman

Read the Full Debate: What Should Jews Do About Darfur?

• Rabbi Stern: Saving Darfur Is the Highest Form of Charity


• Rabbi Waxman: Does Darfur Need a Good Publicist?