The economic scene must be especially slow for The Wall Street Journal to take an interest in the dating habits of Orthodox Jewish Women, as it did this weekend. In an article entitled, Single Jewish Female Seeks Stress Relief, Tamar Snyder details the challenges faced by a particular group of young women seeking mates. And as the parent of three daughters being raised in the Orthodox community (none yet old enough to be directly hit by this), I am sensitive to the pain Ms. Snyder shares.
But I am also concerned that as presented, this story is yet another example of American victimology, and a particularly egregious one at that. Neither these women nor their families are powerless. Presenting themselves as if they were, typifies the larger culture of complaint and victimhood that permeates our society.
Traditional cultures belong to those who embrace them. Rather than complain about a problem, members of a community who have identified a problem, need to take the steps to provide the necessary fix. The idea that “this is how it has to be” is insane. There is no Jewish law that demands a matchmaking system which disempowers women, or rewards men for behaving badly.
So the real pain that I feel in reading this article is the anguish born of powerlessness that traditional people feel when they confront a problem in their own community – and it’s not limited to Jews. Any group that is inclined to follow rigorous rules of religious conduct, especially if they believe them to be ordained by God, needs to be vigilant about crossing the line from faithfulness to the system, to becoming enslaved by it.
Yes, that line will be in different places for different people at different times, and that diversity is good for all. But when members of a community would rather share their woes with the general media, than challenge themselves and their religious leaders to change what is not working, they have probably drifted into the latter. It’s not that I don’t see the article as a part of the corrective process, but it needs to be accompanied by the awareness that Jewish dating rituals are not carved in stone, and that we can do more than complain about them.
Also, why this is even a Wall Street Journal story is rather interesting. It’s either because men love reading articles which make them feel important about women desperate to have them, or because a press that is generally hostile to religion loves a story that takes us behind the curtain to explore the dark underbelly of traditional cultures. Either way (despite my appreciation of Ms. Snyder’s willingness to publicly wrestle with this issue), why the Journal even included this story should make us all wonder about what gets covered in the news, and why.
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posted July 14, 2008 at 3:57 pm
I get the Wall Street Journal and read that article sometime over the weekend. They regularly publish stories dealing with religon, sometimes from a personal perspective. This one did, however, seem personal to the point of making me squirm for the writer.
I felt a bit angry when I read the story, both for the author and AT her. (I don’t mean her personally, but “her” as in all those who participate in this exploitation and allow it to continue.) These obviously intelligent, educated young women need to take control of their lives and opt out. DON’T sign up with a matchmaker and DON’T allow others to take away your power. Use your education,find work you love and find a young man who deserves YOU. Further, the parents of these daughters should place as much value on them as they obviously do on their spoiled, overly-entitled sons.
I am Jewish, but not orthodox, and was raised in secular society, so I realize it is easier for me to ignore the rules and traditions in which these young women have been steeped. Further, I am always angered at the way women are so often exploited in the name of religon. Women need to support each other, and the mothers of the daughters (and the sons) should work to see that the young women in their communities are treated with the respect they deserve.
posted July 14, 2008 at 4:06 pm
A M E N
posted July 14, 2008 at 10:05 pm
An important thing religious daughters should teach them is that there are other fish in the sea. The spectrum of male companions spreads way further than the very limited group of Orthodox males.
An equally important thing for a woman is being economically independent. Here again self reliance allows a woman to chose from a bigger spectrum of possible companions.
The sad thing about this article is the inbred nature of the author. She can’t and won’t contemplate the possibility that she might be happy with a spouse who is not based on the exact template hard coded into her brain from day zero.
posted July 15, 2008 at 3:24 pm
“The sad thing about this article is the inbred nature of the author. She can’t and won’t contemplate the possibility that she might be happy with a spouse who is not based on the exact template hard coded into her brain from day zero.”
Sorry, Gloria, your premise is faulty. Let us take it to the logical extreme and use different faiths. Suppose the young woman was raised as a strict Southern Baptist. What are the chances she would be happy with a rock’n rolling, pot smoking, hard drinking Episcopalian? (My apologies to the Episcopals and Southern Baptists, no slurs intended.) Individuals have relationship comfort zones based on their personal moral, ethical and religious codes. To suggest that this young woman should turn her back on her personal beliefs in order to find pleasure and/or a mate, I think is wrong. In essence it denigrates the young woman’s personal beliefs.
posted July 17, 2008 at 12:40 am
Its should be a personal (ref) as to how a man and a woman feel about each other.After all we are all human.
posted July 17, 2008 at 12:24 pm
“An equally important thing for a woman is being economically independent. Here again self reliance allows a woman to chose from a bigger spectrum of possible companions.”
Unfortunately another faulty premise Giora. Since american women tend to “marry up” economically, the more economic independance she has, the fewer her selection of men will be. This is actually a very common problem among women who chose a career over a family. Also, since Men would rather have a Feminine wife than a Feminist one, her economic independance could raise red flags and help keep Men away. This is not to say she ‘must’ be an economic idiot, or can’t be a woman of accomplishment; in this case, like many others, it’s less what she does, than to what degree and (im)balance she takes it.
posted July 17, 2008 at 1:07 pm
Personally I advocate teshuvah to Torah polygamy as a means of solving the “few good men, many women” problem. (Malachi 3:24) Personally I’ve never been a “one woman man” and don’t personally comprehend the concept of “halves” but “soulmates”.
One can’t honestly call a system based on HaShem’s perfect Torah traditional if one alters it’s perfect and traditional nature. I read a post on this site once that mentioned it’s (at least) not unheard of it NYC for polygamous and levirite marriages to occur. The Orthodox even have the “race card” to play; the FLDS never had it so good.
Personally I find it very odd that sleeping around and (possibly) having children with multiple women is acceptable (in society, and ‘perhaps’ less overtly among Orthodox, ref prostitution and sex slavery in Israel today and america in the 1800′s), yet for someone like me who would be Man enough to take responsibility for them rather than “Find em and Forget em”, I’m often considered crazy at best, or demonized for it.
Shalom
Y’simeich Elokim k’Sarah, Rivkah, Bilhah, v’Zilpah