Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year, begins on Monday night. Like all New Year's celebrations, it's a chance to start over. And starting over often involves forgiveness -- both giving it and getting it. Neither of those is easy, but both are within our grasp.
Forgiving someone means that we find the strength to go beyond ourselves to a place that helps us see those who have hurt us in a new way. That's never easy. Seeking forgiveness rquires us to confront the past, see what we have done wrong, and commit to changing our behavior. That's huge. But like the ability to forgive others, it is within our grasp. So with Rosh Hashanah approaching fast, here are some tips that will help you to forgive those who have hurt you and seek forgiveness from those you have hurt.
1. There is no such thing as an unforgivable act. So don't let your fear of what you did, or rage about what was done to you, dissuade you from either seeking or granting forgiveness.
2. Mind your own business. We can only grant forgiveness for that which was done to us and should only seek forgiveness for that which we have done.
3. Stay balanced. The number of apologies you seek should be proportional to the number you are willing to offer, because the doing of each nurtures the capacity for the other.
4. Know that you are never alone. From God's perspective, sincere effort to correct the past renders earns any of us what my kids call a do over.
5. Honor the past, but don't let yourself be imprisoned by it. Don't allow your fear of forgetting what was done to you keep you from forgiving those who did it.
6. Allow love to triumph over logic. There will always be a good reason to keep doing what you are doing or to withhold your forgiveness from someone else. But real issue is whether or not you love them enough to go beyond that logic.
7. Keep it simple. Apologize for, or forgive, one thing at a time. There is always more to the story, but this is not the moment to explore it.
8. The answer doesn't always have to be yes. We are not always ready to forgive and that is okay. But the answer shouldn't always be no, either. Consider what you loose by saying no, and be concerned if that has become your default response.
9. Remember that forgiveness is not always the end of the process, but the beginning of a new level of relationship which may continue to be shaped by those past acts which demanded forgiveness.
10. Celebrate the moment of forgiveness in some way that rewards both the one seeking forgiveness and the one who grants it. A hug, a kiss, perhaps something even more intimate. A drink or a shared meal. Whatever it is, you have both accomplished a major thing, so make the most of it.
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Author, radio and TV talk show host, and President of CLAL-The National Jewish Center for Learning and Leadership, Brad Hirschfield is the author of 
I recently had a friend tell me some important information about a former boyfriend which was shocking news.This was told to me way after she new about this,(apprx a year or year and a half ago). I was stunned about the bad news,then hurt she never told me until this year. She made a slight apology and excuses. As usual I accepted because I know she's neurotic and eccentric. But I've had the worse dreams showing me how disloyal and not a friend she is towards me. I'm angry to realize this after all these years thinking otherwise. I'm much too forgiving to the point of feeling foolish about myself. I will continue this so called friendship but with distance and appreciation for my ability to forgive others and try to forgive myself for being too forgiving.
Rabbi;
You have made some very valid and sensible points. I was abused horrifically by my mother from birth to age 15 as well as my other 9 siblings were, also. My father left us with her at my birth. I am now age 41 and still struggle with forgiving both of them for their crimes of neglect and evil abuse. It was insanely physical, psychological, and emotional and verbal abuse. My dad's crime was one of knowing he was leaving 10 young defenseless kids with a deranged and psychotic woman who was not being seen by a doctor or even seeking out one by not aknowledging there was an issue to be corrected. Neither one of them attempts to be in my life, and in fact, have told me to leave them alone so they can live their lives in peace. How can I forgive people like this? I thought I had at least 50x over. Yet, my heart pops up now and then and lets me know that I TRULY have not. I want to forgive them fully, but really, their crimes were heinous and sometimes I don't feel that they need to be forgiven. They certainly have moved on with their lives and are happy. I'm the one stuck in decades of therapy trying to sort out the mess they left me in so I can live a life worth living. So I ask, "How do you forgive the unforgivable?"
Hello Rabbi,
After reading some of the questions posted here my heart broke for these dear readers who, through their deep pain, are in search of wholeness. I would like to encourage them to continue pressing forward.
The simple fact that you all are searching for wholeness is proof positive that God is at work in your life to bring you to himself. I once had a very dear friend, who happens to hold a Master’s in psychology, ask me concerning my own abuse, “What if your father were dead? How would you get through it all to forgiving him, if he weren’t here to come and ask your forgiveness?” That is a very profound question. I think it’s a question that demonstrates that by “granting” forgiveness to other people we are really freeing ourselves from the bondages that keep the slave chains tight around our necks.
To Sandy, I would recommend you either call your ex-sis-in-law or write to her. Whichever you choose, keep it brief and to the point of a very heart-felt apology. Explain to her that in your grief, you were trying to make sense of it all. But be sure to include that you’re not trying to make excuses and that you do understand that your words deeply wounded her and were damaging to your relationship and for that you are deeply sorry. The key to an apology is acknowledging the other person has felt a betrayal and is wounded by it. If you are now sorry for the actual words you spoke back then, then be sure to include that. Ask if she can forgive you, but have enough respect for her to be willing to accept her answer if she says NO. After all, she does have a right to be angry and hurt. If she say’s no, tell her you’d like to revisit this conversation in the near future to give her some time to weigh what you’ve said. If she says YES, tell her you would like to re-build your broken relationship and that you understand that will take time. She’s probably missing your friendship as much as you’re missing hers. Dear One, my heart broke when you said you will never forget the way your mother looked at you when she heard your news. We humans are such a peculiar animal. We should NEVER conclude that the face of a grief stricken mother without doubt communicates her condemnation toward us. I have learned in my lifetime that people’s facial expressions, body language and even tone of voice most often do NOT match what is really in their hearts at that moment.
If we walk around “perceiving” rejection from others, we will wound our own hearts and it will be our very own wounds that render us lifeless and restless. You can not know for certain what your mother felt at that moment unless you asked her and therefore you should in no way try to “own” words that were NOT spoken. Do not allow your heart to walk in the fear of possible rejection.
To dsands I’d like to encourage you to begin to stand up for your own self. It really is alright for you to listen to your heart when your heart tells you this girl has NOT been a true friend. It really is alright Dear One to forgive someone, but not to want to continue standing in the way of their destructive patterns. Forgiving someone does not mean you have to be their friend if they have not changed. I had to walk away from my two best friends because they both were taking drugs, using people, sleeping around when they had spouses, etc. I can forgive them for what they did to me, but I don’t have to be apart of their sicknesses any longer.
I guess my question concerning this friend is “What is it that this girl feels you did to her that she needs to punish you for? I mean if she were a “true” friend, she would have spoken to you as soon as she knew. What pleasure did she gain from offering hurtful information at this time? Here’s where it gets tricky though, because you left some vital info out, I can only speculate… If the news she learned was “during” your time with the boyfriend, a true friend would want to offer you the respect you deserve and tell you he’s playing you for a fool. If she learned the info “after” you broke up, then why does it matter? The info at this late date (1 ½ yrs later) only serves as a weapon to injure your healing heart, which a true friend would not wish to do.
If she were truly remorseful, she would have never made excuses and she certainly would not have only made a “slight apology”. If she wasn’t willing to tell you when she learned of it, then she should have simply protected you and kept her mouth shut. You can sincerely forgive her, but understand that you are NOT obligated to be her friend if she hasn’t changed from the incident.
To Karen; Dear One, I too have been abused and I know first hand how debilitating and emotionally crippling it is. I also know how difficult the journey back to “a life worth living” can be. But please believe me… the journey is truly worth the difficult efforts. Dr. Dan B. Allender has a wonderful book called “Bold Love” that I highly recommend for your hurting heart. I purchased a copy for a friend just today on alibris.com for only $2.00.
I too struggled with the concept of “forgiveness” until I came to this understanding; Granting Mercy to someone who abused you is allowing them to walk away from the punishment and the death that they so rightly deserve and offering to them instead, the Grace of blessings that they most certainly do not deserve. Granting Mercy is allowing The Lamb of God to put those utterly evil crimes that were committed onto His own body to be sacrificed one time, before God to satisfy His demand for atonement. Offering Grace is allowing the God of the Universe who is Sovereign in all His ways to bless them as He sees fit, even though they do not deserve His blessings.
If you are not at a place that you can freely wish Mercy and Grace for your parents, then begin to pray and ask God to help you enter that place. God will be gracious to you as he promised he would never break a bruised reed. Dear One, place your tender, fragile heart in his hands and as you climb up into his loving lap he will rock you gently to the restful place of His Peace that your soul craves to enter.
God’s message is one of reconciliation and I do believe that is His desire for the hearts of mankind as well (to be reconciled one to another in God). Dr. Allender’s book can help you with this also. However, if open and honest reconciliation is attempted after learning the right way to seek it through reading that book and your parents reject the offer, then remember their decision is on them and you can walk free from your prison chains (the book will help you with that too). This is being a true “overcomer”.
I will continue praying for strength for you.
To Barbara in Vegas I would like to encourage you to seek a deeper understanding of grief and shame so that you will not be tempted to offer “shallow” advice to people whose wounds are so deep they are through to the other side.
You see it is tempting to offer “cliché” advice such as; “Let go and let God”, “just forgive”, “This too shall pass”, “Live the way God intended you to live”, etc. Please don’t be offended, I am not trying to complain, I do think you had good intensions, but the problem lies in that when people are so deeply wounded that they have lost the ability to “trust” anyone; even God himself, those cliché’s aren’t much help. In fact, they tend to just make the wounded heart even angrier. You cannot tell me to “forgive” if I don’t understand the steps of how to do that or what it looks like.
And saying things like, “the closer you should make your relationship with God” is downright insensitive! You are speaking to people who have been betrayed by those they trusted, those who were supposed to take care of them and help them learn about life in a safe and healthy way; so the last thing on earth they are ABLE to do is to “trust God”~ oh they want to with all they have, and some days they do it very well. Dear One, if it were just that easy do, no-one would be suffering. So I ask that whenever you offer advice, you first put on the compassion of Yeshua and truly empathize with the one receiving your pearls of wisdom. I’m not suggesting that people just wallow in their hurt, but let’s get real; if the Good Samaritan had approached the man lying beaten half to death in the road and shouted out; “LET GO, LET GOD HANDLE IT! LIVE YOUR LIFE AS GOD INTENDED FOR YOU TO!! THE MORE YOU PAIN THE CLOSER YOU SHOULD MAKE YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD!! THERE WILL BE TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS BUT HE LOVES YOU AND HE FORGIVES YOU!! (your quotes) his words would have been of absolutely NO benefit what-so-ever.
Wounds must be cleaned, wrapped and cared for before healing can begin.
My husband and I have been extremely close friends with a very accomplished couple for twenty years. I am especially close to the man, who I'll call Steve, who is spiritual mentor and my rabbi. Well, a few months ago, Steve, told his kind and adoring wife, Barbara, that he wanted a separation and probably a divorce. He told me the reason that he wanted a divorce was because he wanted to be single and date young women. They are living in separate parts of the same house, because they can't afford separate homes. Steve has not told any of his friends what is going on, except me (and even then, he waited two months), although Barbara told everyone why she has resigned from the temple. He refuses to get any therapy or even try to work it out. I think he believes that dating younger women will keep him from aging. I am totally disgusted with his behavior, and do not know how I will make it through the High Holiday Services. (I am an officer in the temple.)
I hurt someone deeply. But not intentionally. Now we are living in the same home due to circumstances mostly financial. He says he forgives me but i can tell he doesnt because of the coldness and anger. Which he also denies that he feels. But he has ended our 3 yr relationship because he says he can never trust me not to make him feel like a fool again. I can tell he still loves me by the conflict in his emotions. My question is how do you get someone to forgive that is in total denial that they are in unforgiveness?
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