Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year, begins on Monday night. Like all New Year's celebrations, it's a chance to start over. And starting over often involves forgiveness -- both giving it and getting it. Neither of those is easy, but both are within our grasp.
Forgiving someone means that we find the strength to go beyond ourselves to a place that helps us see those who have hurt us in a new way. That's never easy. Seeking forgiveness rquires us to confront the past, see what we have done wrong, and commit to changing our behavior. That's huge. But like the ability to forgive others, it is within our grasp. So with Rosh Hashanah approaching fast, here are some tips that will help you to forgive those who have hurt you and seek forgiveness from those you have hurt.
1. There is no such thing as an unforgivable act. So don't let your fear of what you did, or rage about what was done to you, dissuade you from either seeking or granting forgiveness.
2. Mind your own business. We can only grant forgiveness for that which was done to us and should only seek forgiveness for that which we have done.
3. Stay balanced. The number of apologies you seek should be proportional to the number you are willing to offer, because the doing of each nurtures the capacity for the other.
4. Know that you are never alone. From God's perspective, sincere effort to correct the past renders earns any of us what my kids call a do over.
5. Honor the past, but don't let yourself be imprisoned by it. Don't allow your fear of forgetting what was done to you keep you from forgiving those who did it.
6. Allow love to triumph over logic. There will always be a good reason to keep doing what you are doing or to withhold your forgiveness from someone else. But real issue is whether or not you love them enough to go beyond that logic.
7. Keep it simple. Apologize for, or forgive, one thing at a time. There is always more to the story, but this is not the moment to explore it.
8. The answer doesn't always have to be yes. We are not always ready to forgive and that is okay. But the answer shouldn't always be no, either. Consider what you loose by saying no, and be concerned if that has become your default response.
9. Remember that forgiveness is not always the end of the process, but the beginning of a new level of relationship which may continue to be shaped by those past acts which demanded forgiveness.
10. Celebrate the moment of forgiveness in some way that rewards both the one seeking forgiveness and the one who grants it. A hug, a kiss, perhaps something even more intimate. A drink or a shared meal. Whatever it is, you have both accomplished a major thing, so make the most of it.
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Author, radio and TV talk show host, and President of CLAL-The National Jewish Center for Learning and Leadership, Brad Hirschfield is the author of 
My husband and I have been extremely close friends with a very accomplished couple for twenty years. I am especially close to the man, who I'll call Steve, who is spiritual mentor and my rabbi. Well, a few months ago, Steve, told his kind and adoring wife, Barbara, that he wanted a separation and probably a divorce. He told me the reason that he wanted a divorce was because he wanted to be single and date young women. They are living in separate parts of the same house, because they can't afford separate homes. Steve has not told any of his friends what is going on, except me (and even then, he waited two months), although Barbara told everyone why she has resigned from the temple. He refuses to get any therapy or even try to work it out. I think he believes that dating younger women will keep him from aging. I am totally disgusted with his behavior, and do not know how I will make it through the High Holiday Services. (I am an officer in the temple.)
I hurt someone deeply. But not intentionally. Now we are living in the same home due to circumstances mostly financial. He says he forgives me but i can tell he doesnt because of the coldness and anger. Which he also denies that he feels. But he has ended our 3 yr relationship because he says he can never trust me not to make him feel like a fool again. I can tell he still loves me by the conflict in his emotions. My question is how do you get someone to forgive that is in total denial that they are in unforgiveness?
I've caused several hurts to others in my life and have been working to remove my propensity to continue lying. I don't believe that 'little white' lies are OK anymore In my efforts to move away from NOT being open, honest, forthcoming, truthful and transparent, I have come to recognize and affirm that truth is best. The ramifications of my being caught in a lie end up being much worse than the ramifications I feared of telling the truth. Sadly, I KNOW this, and yet recently I was dishonest with my partner because I feared that she would leave me if she knew. Being honest with myself, she may have decided to leave on her own for her own reasons, but I handed her a reason because I lacked the confidence that she would stay with me despite relatively inane incidents that I chose not to disclose.
Well, I wasn't forthcoming about my deception and she found out anyway. She told me that the information that I wasn't forthcoming about was not a big issue alone, but it was the fact that I was dishonest and lied. She's chosen to put our relationship on hold. I'm really sad about this. I've come so far in improving myself, but made the same non-disclosure about my communication with other women with whom I've have at least some level of past involvement, and although nothing untoward was happening or was going to happen, my stupid decision to deceive her makes it look like I am an unsafe person to be involved with.
I know this is just me talking, but I realize that a lie is a lie and it destroys trust and honesty in a relationship. When I lied, I lied out of fear that she would leave our relationship. I realize that my issues are rooted in a lifelong problem of my feeling like I'm just not good enough, which has no basis in reality.
Our relationship was beautiful, fun, loving, and offered hope to me that it would continue to blossom. My hope for the future, and fear that she would back out caused me tell lies about 'nothing' issues. I destroyed her trust in me, and now I wait patiently. She's really hurting and I'm just giving her a lot of space, and more with time. It's been 1 1/2 weeks since our break. I also know she hasn't given up on us because she's told me the telltale signs of her usual tactics for truly ending a relationship and she's done NONE of those.
I continue to work on eliminating all dishonesty from myself. I love her and I want very much to be granted the opportunity to reconcile our relationship. What steps does anyone suggest to begin the process of reconciliation? Should I simply give her more time and continue to distance myself and offer kindness, love and hope when we do interact? Help please. A different perspective of my situation from the outside looking in, will be very helpful.
P.S. Aside from ceasing lying, how do I atone for my lies to her, especially if she's really keeping her distance from me. We have contact, be it's very evident from her choice to continue distanced from me that I've hurt her badly and she believes that my lying is going to be commonplace. Sadly, I've improved dramatically in two areas: the quantity of my lies and the relative importance of what I've chosen to lie about is the only thing that remains, as I no longer lie about the 'big' stuff any more.
So, what can I do to show her that I'm repentant and also working actively to remove this flaw? My concern is that I may never be perfectly honest enough. I'll just do me best and watch her response. If you pray, pray for me to continue on my positive path of self-improvement and pray for both of us to heal, as well.
P.S. Aside from ceasing lying, how do I atone for my lies to her, especially if she's really keeping her distance from me. We have contact, be it's very evident from her choice to continue distanced from me that I've hurt her badly and she believes that my lying is going to be commonplace. Sadly, I've improved dramatically in two areas: the quantity of my lies and the relative importance of what I've chosen to lie about is the only thing that remains, as I no longer lie about the 'big' stuff any more.
So, what can I do to show her that I'm repentant and also working actively to remove this flaw? My concern is that I may never be perfectly honest enough. I'll just do me best and watch her response. If you pray, pray for me to continue on my positive path of self-improvement and pray for both of us to heal, as well.
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