According to a new study by marriage counselor M. Gary Neuman, 1 out of 2.7 of us men cheat on our wives, and most of them will never find out. From which we can deduce one of two things: either its time for the rest of us to join the party because we aren't going to get caught anyway, or that's a really staggering percentage suggesting a great deal of unhappiness which needs to be addressed in a more positive way. Call me puritanical, but I am opting for door number two.
Actually, it's not puritanical at all. 92 percent of the men who cheat, tell Neuman that sex is not the main thing in their extra-marital relationship. In fact, 88 percent of the men surveyed report that the other women were no better looking than their wives. And other studies have shown that the women, with whom men cheat, often bear striking resemblances to the wives on whom they are cheating. So, what is going on here?
We get bored! That's not an excuse, but it is an explanation which gets to one of the central features of our humanity, one of which we should not let go - we seek novelty. Most other creatures are entirely satisfied when their immediate needs are met. But we humans are harder to satisfy because as soon as one set of needs is met, we often start wondering about the new ideas, experiences, etc. that are possible. It's not that we are ungrateful; it's that unlike other animals, we have imaginations.
Ironically though, when it comes to cheating, what we seek is often a reconnection with the person we imagine we fell in love with. According to Neuman's study, what most men want is to feel how they once felt with someone who may be very like the wives who once made them feel that way. So there is hope.
Nurturing novelty, a feeling of special-ness, and the kind of attention which we often pay one another early on in a relationship may address much of this problem. As is so often the case, novelty is the key to preserving continuity in relationships. But this is clearly about more than "date nights". This is about really asking what would shake things up in your relationship enough that you would allow yourselves to start over, whether in bed or over dinner.
What do you recall about how it used to be and what are you willing to do to get your wife to be a part of that? Those are also questions of imagination, and unless we ask them, then we are just making excuses for new ways to get laid.
Here's a useful exercise that can help you get what you REALLY want from your partner. Try sitting face to face and telling your spouse what you want. But after you articulate the what, explain the why. And then explain why that "why" is important to you. Keep doing that until there are no more "why's" - until you feel that if you had that one thing, your relationship really would be more satisfying. It won't make things perfect, but it will help.
We all have spiritual traditions which encourage us to be born again. Perhaps because the central one in Judaism is Yom Kippur and it starts Wednesday night, this seems like a good time to raise these issues. Perhaps if we imagine that we can be reborn, we can allow ourselves to see a spouse or a relationship as reborn also. With 25 hours and little else to do but reflect on our lives, how bad would it be to put questions like that on our list of things about which to think this Yom Kippur?
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Author, radio and TV talk show host, and President of CLAL-The National Jewish Center for Learning and Leadership, Brad Hirschfield is the author of 
Why do men cheat? BECAUSE THEY CAN! Makes me sick when blame is placed on the wife, when it's implied maybe she isn't doing something right. All that's required for cheating is two people with low morals. People make choices every day.
I've had similar experiences to Laura M. over the years. Starting from the age of 14. My neighbor, in his 30's, 4 or 5 kids, would always offer me rides in his car (no wife or kids in sight). I always chose to walk! I could have fooled around with plenty of attached men over the years who threw themselves at me. I have a rule, never be alone with any attached male. I won't put myself in certain situations. I avoid those situations, because the potential is there for a man to make his move. I don't want to deal with it.
My first husband cheated on me constantly in the three years we were married. I later learned he had also cheated during the two years we were engaged. Anyone with a pulse was fair game for him. When I told him we were finished, he was shocked. When he asked why, I told him I didn't want to meet up with a billy goat on the street, have him point and say, "Tha-a-a-at's my Da-a-a-a-ad!"
Gavriella
B"H
As everyone knows, Hollywood is full of couples cheating. yet on well-known personality, Jay Leno, has found happiness without going to that extreme.
He's known to have said, "if I'm not home or at work, my wife knows exactly where I am...under the chassis of one of my cars, with a wrench in one hand and a grease gun in the other."
Guys need a passion, a hobby, something they can get excited about besides sex. Perhaps these people are the ones who have no interest in cheating. Of course, having a passion is NO excuse for ignoring one's familial commitments, but it IS an outlet for all those extra male hormones that seem to need an outlet. Being an old-car freak like Jay, I can have the outlet I need, while maintaining the passion with my dear wife of 28 years, BE"H. Although she has absolutely no interest in cars except for transportation, she puts up with me, my huge scale-model antique car collection, and my '69 Chevy, with admirable patience. And, of course, I try to have the same passion for Judiasm (or more) as well. Shana Tova...Joe
Aggressive male dogs can be calmed (usually) either by giving them an outlet - two, three times a year - to mate, or by snipping...
A human male in a relationship would seem to be able to calm the testosterone levels with the SO. However, there is that other alternative.
Joe, seems you've found a true balance. Rare and nice to hear about. I've never advocated being so joined at the hip with your SO that you have no 'other' outlets.
I think trying to be fully engaged in everyone's passions is a recipe for disaster. Resentment will build if it's not a true passion for both.
And if the reason for having to be attached at the hip is because of a trust issue - well, that speaks volumes...
Cully --
"Ma'is Alay" does not simply mean that the person is no longer as "sexy" as before. It refers to *revulsion*. It literally translates "Repulsive to me". When people age, they do not [necessarily] become repulsive to each other (even if they are no longer as "sexy" as in the past).
That is why I theorized that [perhaps] the "straying" is related to "Ma'is Alay" where the couple has OTHER problems relating to their mrriage and intimacy and the "outlet" then becomes "cheating". Of course, there are OTHER instances (such as Sexual Addiction) that can play a role here.
Note, also, that a WOMAN can also claim "Ma'is Alay" s this is not a "male thing".
My point here is that -- sometimes -- the issue of cheating does NOT stand alone nor is it based upon "the male can not be monogamous". I believe that where intimacy has flourished and the man and woman truly SHARE each other, that will be the BEST sex possible. And, I think that is why monogamy was considered an ideal -- how can a man truly be able to share so intimately of himslef with more than one woman?? And, that is why the aging does not become an issue either -- after such intimte sharing, the "youthful asect" is simply no longer critical.
[Side comment: Polygamy was not prohibited until the "Ban of Rabbeinu Gershom" (which also enacted that a woman can not (in most cases) be given a "Get against her will) was enacted. This Ban was significantly AFTER the close of the Talmud AND it was NOT universally accepted. Thus, the vast majority of Sephardic and "Oriental" communities did NOT accept this Ban and still practiced Polygamy.]
While Polygamy was permitted, the Talmud is VERY specific that a man who has multiple spouses has to "take care" of ALL of them. And, I believe that in areas where Polygamy was permitted (i.e., areas where the "Ban of Rabbeinu Gershom" was NOT accepted), the husband had to get the consent of his first wife to take a second wife (maybe she regarded this as a chance to have more help in the house!).
So, I reiterate the original question: When intimacy between the spouses has detriorated to that level, should we revive "Ma'is Alay" as a basis for divorce?
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