Besides Sex - Reasons Why Men Cheat

Interesting, but this is really about why men want to cheat ( a desire), not about why they actually do (an action). They cheat because they care more about their selfish desire than about the possible consequences of their actions.
Women get bored too. Fewer of them cheat. Are women less selfish? Have more self control? Or fewer opportunities?

i used to be a cheater when i was younger in the years my husband and i were living together and then again in the year after we were married when breastfeeding was greatly reduced and my libido returned in full force. i don't know about men and the smorgasbord theory. i guess it makes sense for them, but i used to be a needy and easily lonely person. also, i was not raised to have boundaries and had to teach myself to have discipline. i became spiritually moved at a certain point and began to enjoy the challenge of meeting up to my own ideals and focusing all my attention on my spouse. sometimes it went well and sometimes it didn't, but cheating was not a solution for me after that anymore. besides, the affairs were such an incredible let down i was left wondering why the movies always portrayed them as so exciting and freeing. blech. waste of my time.

my husband was not comfortable with his body when we met. later through our devotion to learning how to please eachother(and very possibly outside experiences as his confidence increased) he often initiated instead of me. then i think he felt confident enough to explore elsewhere and upgraded his tastes to things i could no longer provide, or that he wasn't interested in receiving from me. it looks like he was involved in sexual addiction before his suicide but he probably would have told me he had just become more sophisticated and i more complacent. although he was a therapist, couples therapy was not something he was willing to participate in.

sorry so personal, but i am a very empirical learner.

actually marcus, it's the shame about admitting things which keeps us from addressing them in healthy and appropriate ways.

show me a person or a society that is ashamed to admit its base instincts, and i will show you one in which they are often indulged.

that is why in rabbinic teaching, the yetzer ha'rah, usually translated as the evil inclination, is admitted and chanelled rather than denied or swept under the rug. it too, according to the talmud, comes from god and like all of our faculties, can be used well or poorly -- but it will be used.

boredom and dissatisfaction are the fuels of both sacred creativity and selfish destruction. the choice is ours and the more we admit it, the better our choices are likely to be.

Bored? Do you get bored at work? Do you act on this boredom and find a job on your lunch or the next day?

Bored? Do you get bored staring at the TV and endlessly clicking channels to find something satisfying to watch? Do you act on this boredom by throwing out the expensive TV you invested money in to buy something that appears exciting?

Bored? Do you get bored of getting up early to feed/clothe/change your baby? Do you act on this by giving them away?

Bored? So if sex isn't terrific and new each and every time with your significant other - there's a chance you'll wander? Are you committing yourself to MAKING SURE THIS DOESN'T HAPPEN in the relationship? Or are you blaming someone else because YOU CHOOSE to be lazy?

Please. Man has evolved over the millenias. When once a man needed to copulate in order to give the human race a chance to survive - we now no longer have to do this, and I do not believe it's an instinct that runs amok through MEN. As if it's unnatural to be monogamous. There are species out there that mate for life, but proponents of cheating seem only to discuss species that 'roam.'

It's all an excuse. Commitment phobia is more likely a tag for one who wanders. They're too afraid to get 'that close' and be 'that vulnerable.' They don't feel worthy enough to accept the responsibility of being loved, and to love fully. Or they see sex as power and choose to feed this power need through multiple partners.

Those of us who choose these people to co-habitate with - should look within to wonder why we do this to ourselves (this is assuming there is a problem - some couples thrive in an open relationship). What need is being fulfilled - the need to fix something? the need to feel unworthy?

Bored - ppffftt

Men, for the most part, are not reflective enough or emotionally mature enough to properly address the "symptom" of their own cheating...It is the EGO that leads us by our collective zippers to sniff "the grass on the other side." Of course, there are exceptions to my contention, but they are few and far between.

Women, on the other hand, usually stray when their needs are not being met, not only by their significant other, but also by themselves (They are not communicating either!)

Also, it is much more acceptable today (than, say, even 20 yrs. ago) for women to be freer with their sexuality and "date around." We men are still of the mindset that "sexual" women are "slutty," due, in large part, to the old double standard.

If we'd take the time and effort to go to the next level with women, BEFORE WE JUMP INTO BED WITH THEM - perhaps the trust and truth issues, with which we have to deal after getting physical too early, would slowly dissipate.

To the unnamed person who is still with the 'cheater' -

'I am just waiting for the right time.'

What exactly is the right time? You seem to not like this man any more. He certainly came back from his prostate issues and feels all the vim and vigor of a younger man!

You let him touch you, though you abhor his touch. You are extremely (dare I say) angry with his cheating not only with younger women, but also with his ex.

Yet you are still there. 'What goes around...' - yes, and for you also.

There is no reason for you to stay. Money? That's a whorish way of thinking - and excuse - and I do not think that's how you see yourself. Do you love yourself? Do you love yourself more than this man who does not make you happy? Why would you waste one more day festering about what is obviously a difference of how one should lead their life? Doesn't matter what you've done for him. Doesn't matter how he is. You are not getting what you need out of this relationship, and seem to be in danger of going down the same road he has. Do you want that?

Let him have his life. Wouldn't you want to take a hold of yours and free yourself from the angst and stress of this situation?

It appears cheating is an inherit inability to maintain a monogamous relationship. Many ”individuals” out there brag about how many “sexual-one nighters” they have conquered – and take that attitude into their current relationships (living together or marriage). The sad news is that the innocent believe that individual will change; however, on the other side of the coin, the adulteresses or adulterers believe their partner will never wonder, which seems to be totally false. Neither will ever trust the other. Monogamous relationships are still out there.

He is bored well guess what I am sick of him, the hurts that hurts he is too tired to have sex poor him I worked very hard for over twenty years raising our 2 sons I had two jobs kept a house going on no money, or sleep he was out gambling and finding other women to be with who were fun and he was more then willing to spend his time and what little money we had and by the way blabing about to any one who would listen,When he finlly got rich he said I could say I wanted a didvorce so his parents and are sons would not be mad at him. Boy was he surpriced when I told him NO you want it you tell everyone why his friend was in a hurry to marry her fourth husband. HaHa she found out he was cheating on her. What a shock. Guess what he is still wealthy and married to me and he is still a cheat, I no longer care what he does, I stayed for the money I own three homes outright have a very busy life and travel where and wend I want. someone was upset with me because I didn't leave . I thought about it but while I am no longer bitter I just didn't see the point in leaving I really enjoy my life no so way change it at this stage of my life.

Very enlightening comments. I find some truth in all comments that I read. My personal experience: I did not know all about his extra martial relationships until 25 years into marriage. He told me 3 years ago about the longest relationship that existed for 11 years, till this time, I still do not know if the other relationship is really over. He claims that it is and that he has to have variety, he loves me, has to have her and me too, the sex that they had was so good, you name it he has said it. I too believe that many things said are excuses, I believe that he is afraid to face the truth about himself. There was no communication between him and I, whatever I did or did not do, if love truely existed, if rightousness truely existed, if the fear of God was present, we could have talked and worked it out. I feel much of the problems, at least in my case, was due to selfishness. Only a selfish person could do to another what men/women do to their partners through extramartial affairs.

It seems to me that there are many reasons for cheating...no excuse, of course, but many reasons. I suspect that "boredom" may not simply be boredom with one's partner but boredom with oneself and life in general. Someone feeling that generalized ennui might have an affair if it is convenient and he is lazy; it is easier that putting in the effort of actually improving one's own life.

Someone may choose to cheat if certain emotional needs are not met at home. If one's partner is highly critical, if he/she is impossible to satisfy and rarely gives any sort of praise or approval, an affair might be an attempt to feel worthwhile, to get the approval that is never forthcoming at home.

If one spouse has truly let him/herself go and has become physically unattractive, it could be a temptation to cheat. If one spouse is too absorb in children/housekeeping/work and has no time for his/her partner, that is another excuse.

Of course, some people are just self-serving, pleasure-seeking narcissists; they need no reason to cheat. It can be a deep-seated emotional problem that is difficult to correct.

No matter what the excuse, cheating is wrong. If there is no love left, then leave. Otherwise, look for solutions. See what can be done to fix problems. Get help, if necessary. Marraige takes effort but most worthwhile endeavors do.

Lucy G.

Scott,
So moral standards have changed - and men cannot abide? Oh wait, make that 'Western' men only? Puleez. What about Eastern Monks? They practice celibacy. It's all about CHOICE. You can control your libido.

The true myth is 'man cannot be monogamous.'

All cultures RECOGNIZE that infidelity occurs.

But ACCEPT? I take issue with anyone saying French, Italian, Spanish, etc. women find this acceptable. They take it. They accept it because that's the way it's been since their cultures are still more male oriented - but that doesn't mean it's welcomed as acceptable.

Turn of the 20th century - three women from whom I am descended - found their husbands to be cheating (this would be Germany) - and divorced their sorry arses. Yeah, they wouldn't ACCEPT that nonsense. BTW, these women worked too. So not all Europeans, even 100 years ago, ACCEPTED infidelity as 'natural.' Two eventually found happiness with, interestingly enough, Jewish gentlemen, who treated them (and their children) well - never marrit them.

Nillawafer,
You put that well. If my man was having sex with others, I would be inclined to free myself from him in totality, thus not needing the dams, condoms, etc.

Maybe it's not the outside the relationship sex in general - I mean, if it's an open relationship and all partners are on the up-and-up - safe sex would be prudent. But with cheating, there's an element of sneaky, lying - where you wouldn't necessarily know to protect yourself, and you become a victim of something without knowing you needed protection. This is when the CHOICE comes in, the honesty (or not).

Wired or not, you can still control the urges. And if you don't/can't, then don't get into a 'relationship' - or at least not in one with the partner who expects this. Choice.

"A question: should we revive the Talmud's use of "Ma'is Alay" as a grounds for divorce?"
Not until we stop marrying because the other person is *sexy*... the same reason we cheat.
We are all going to be "physically unappealing" at some point in our lives (the aging process guarantees it!), but if we have more invested than sexual gratification then we will have more to look forward to.
just my two cents :-)

Let's face it a man who cheats and claims he loves his SO(significant other which can include a wife) has 2 reasons in this day and age.

Never made a legal declaration in a ceremony so feels that he can and does not feel committed enough to his lady of the moment.

Made a legal declaration in a ceremony but did not mean it.

There is a 3rd and it can be applied to men or woman just as the above could be.

The 3rd one was a recent shocker to me. I always thought that the term sex-addiction was a great excuse.

They are now comparing this as a very real problem-in gals it used to be known as nymphomania-and is currently being treated by most people in the same way they thought that being gay was a choice.

We are slowly getting more sophisticated and learning about this.

Even judges-many in divorce cases-see the term sex addiction as pshyco babble for-damn I thought I could get away with it but got caught so now want to claim this.

Someday this may change.

All else, is an excuse. Both Marriage and a long term companion with whom he has a love relationship with are not guarantees of sexual delights and when you commit to these it is the other person or nothing. Otherwise please do everyone a favor a do not marry, do not become the babby's maybe daddy, and if you must cheat for heaven sake protect yourself and your partner, even if a one night stand that you are datting or using a hooker, protect your health as your SO or wife does not need the #$@# you can give her! It would also be nice if you made sure that no kids ever got made.
Hugs
Laura

When I was a teen in the 1950s and graduated high school in 1961 and married at the ripe old age for that time of 24 I had 10 years to find out about men. From the time I was 14 guys from my age to 99 (a guy who could not move who I sat with while his daughter went to her grandaughters Sunday wedding when the aide suddenly could not show up who had to pull himself up with pulleys to sit in his hospital bed with the sides up. He awoke from his nap, pulled himself up, begged for a kiss and a "peek". I went over to him, kissed my hand and put it to his forehead while he tried to claw at me-he couldn't get close enough. When I told him that was all he would get from 16 yr old little me he actually cried. He died about 6 months later. I never told his daughter my friend's grandmother!) I have seen it all, guys who knew I knew they were married, neighbors who were friend of my mom and dad, guys taking me home from babysitting jobs and ofcourse teens whose hormones were ragging and many of them said-well you are built so a guy must have helped you get that big-that is cleaned up!

How did I dress? Normal for a teen in those days. Big skirts with crinolins, when they were in style mohair sweaters, straight skirts but never tight.White socks to school with white and brown shoes. My hair was almost always in a pony tail sometimes pulled so tight I think my eyebrows got raised. For work the big difference was sometime a jacket and skirt, always a blouse with either buttoned up or a very slight opening frome the top button only or one of those sweaters with fake fur collars that you put on so it looked like it was part of your sweater. The differences for dates was little. Instead of the flats I wore for work I wore heels that today are the height for much older people. My hair would be down in a flip and the makeup was a bit darker. I always wore glasses so used a touch more color even in the daytime with the colors of the day-turgoise or blue on my eyelids. Light pink was in for lipstick. Would that be a turn on for most men. Evidently!!!

When I was 17 I was dressed for shul on Yom Kippur morning and had left after my folks and my brother so was alone. I wore a suit and stockings with flats. Do you know some idiot in a car with 2 little kids in the back turned to look at me while I waited for the light to change and I could cross the street and went thru a red light nearly hitting a bus that was comming down the street. If the bus driver had not stopped quickly there could have been an awful result!

I tell you this so you know that men can and do stupid things but they have the right to stop at any time and the gal has the right to refuse. It takes 2 to tango. Each has to be dumb if it is known that one or both are cheating.

The doctor is right but I hope he took into his results the fact that people do lie on these things and who knows the results if he did not might be too low!
hugs
Laura

I have never understood why a man would cheet on a woman who loves them with all there heart. But it was done to me many times when I was married. Four years of marrage and 13 girlfriends ago.The women were always two to three hundred pounds more than me. The big thing I saw was they had Gov. money comeing in once a month or good paying jobs. But it's like the old saying, Men think with the little heads and not the big ones.

Why do men cheat? BECAUSE THEY CAN! Makes me sick when blame is placed on the wife, when it's implied maybe she isn't doing something right. All that's required for cheating is two people with low morals. People make choices every day.

I've had similar experiences to Laura M. over the years. Starting from the age of 14. My neighbor, in his 30's, 4 or 5 kids, would always offer me rides in his car (no wife or kids in sight). I always chose to walk! I could have fooled around with plenty of attached men over the years who threw themselves at me. I have a rule, never be alone with any attached male. I won't put myself in certain situations. I avoid those situations, because the potential is there for a man to make his move. I don't want to deal with it.

B"H

As everyone knows, Hollywood is full of couples cheating. yet on well-known personality, Jay Leno, has found happiness without going to that extreme.

He's known to have said, "if I'm not home or at work, my wife knows exactly where I am...under the chassis of one of my cars, with a wrench in one hand and a grease gun in the other."

Guys need a passion, a hobby, something they can get excited about besides sex. Perhaps these people are the ones who have no interest in cheating. Of course, having a passion is NO excuse for ignoring one's familial commitments, but it IS an outlet for all those extra male hormones that seem to need an outlet. Being an old-car freak like Jay, I can have the outlet I need, while maintaining the passion with my dear wife of 28 years, BE"H. Although she has absolutely no interest in cars except for transportation, she puts up with me, my huge scale-model antique car collection, and my '69 Chevy, with admirable patience. And, of course, I try to have the same passion for Judiasm (or more) as well. Shana Tova...Joe

Cully --
"Ma'is Alay" does not simply mean that the person is no longer as "sexy" as before. It refers to *revulsion*. It literally translates "Repulsive to me". When people age, they do not [necessarily] become repulsive to each other (even if they are no longer as "sexy" as in the past).
That is why I theorized that [perhaps] the "straying" is related to "Ma'is Alay" where the couple has OTHER problems relating to their mrriage and intimacy and the "outlet" then becomes "cheating". Of course, there are OTHER instances (such as Sexual Addiction) that can play a role here.
Note, also, that a WOMAN can also claim "Ma'is Alay" s this is not a "male thing".
My point here is that -- sometimes -- the issue of cheating does NOT stand alone nor is it based upon "the male can not be monogamous". I believe that where intimacy has flourished and the man and woman truly SHARE each other, that will be the BEST sex possible. And, I think that is why monogamy was considered an ideal -- how can a man truly be able to share so intimately of himslef with more than one woman?? And, that is why the aging does not become an issue either -- after such intimte sharing, the "youthful asect" is simply no longer critical.
[Side comment: Polygamy was not prohibited until the "Ban of Rabbeinu Gershom" (which also enacted that a woman can not (in most cases) be given a "Get against her will) was enacted. This Ban was significantly AFTER the close of the Talmud AND it was NOT universally accepted. Thus, the vast majority of Sephardic and "Oriental" communities did NOT accept this Ban and still practiced Polygamy.]
While Polygamy was permitted, the Talmud is VERY specific that a man who has multiple spouses has to "take care" of ALL of them. And, I believe that in areas where Polygamy was permitted (i.e., areas where the "Ban of Rabbeinu Gershom" was NOT accepted), the husband had to get the consent of his first wife to take a second wife (maybe she regarded this as a chance to have more help in the house!).
So, I reiterate the original question: When intimacy between the spouses has detriorated to that level, should we revive "Ma'is Alay" as a basis for divorce?