At first blush, the idea that a couple is divorcing over a husband’s flirtations with a virtual woman may sound funny. But if we take online communication seriously, and respect the power of imagination, there is nothing funny about it. In fact, it is simply a new manifestation of a problem that has been known to spiritual teachers for centuries. But first a bit of background.
A woman in England is seeking a divorce because her husband’s virtual altar ego, known as an avatar, has been carrying on a virtual affair with some other person’s avatar in the fantasy game known as Second Life. They are not the first couple to end up divorcing over this kind of occurrence. The attorney who is handling the wife’s complaint remarked that it was the second such case that came to her desk in the last week alone. And why not?
If people can fall in love online, why would the other online relationships that they have be any less real? In the case of this English couple, the fantasy world of Second Life is so real to them, that they (their avatars? At some point, it’s hard to know the difference) went so far as to get married in the context of the game.
And that is why this is no laughing matter. For people who take this kind of game seriously, the ethical obligations of playing must be taken seriously as well. It’s really no different from the fact that in some cultures, polygamy is not experienced as cheating, but for most of us, it would be. It’s not simply that our traditions and our laws forbid it. We would feel that the intimacy of our primary relationship had been breached. That is what cheating is all about. And that is what the wife experienced in their relationship.
The husband was cheating virtually, not virtually cheating. And between those two, there lies a world of difference.
It’s a difference that was noticed hundreds of years ago and codified into Jewish law by Rabbi Yosef Karo, author of the legal collection known as the Shulhan Arukh, or prepared table. In writing about the appropriate emotional relationships that should accompany good sexual relationships, Rabbi Karo instructs men that it is forbidden to make love to their wives while thinking about another woman.
The fact that the husband in Karo’s directive would not “really” be cheating, is no excuse for what would be considered a virtual affair. Forget that his words were only directed to men and to the context of marriage. Wouldn’t we want them applied to all people and all situations?
The breach in a relationship is not merely a function of who puts what body part where. It is a function of the honesty and intimacy that exists between the partners in that relationship. When those two issues are respected, then many marital arrangements can work out. Do we be believe that partners in polygamous families love each other less? I don’t, even if I do not agree with the arrangements under which they live.
Perhaps such intense connection to an online relationship is not healthy. Perhaps the need to create avatars speaks to some larger problem we have with our own identities. Or perhaps, this is simply the next phase in the process of storytelling and myth-making which have shaped human experience since the dawn of time. In which case, this stuff is real even if it is virtual. And if it is real, it can really hurt.
Of course, if it can really hurt, it can also really heal. I wonder who will be the first virtual marriage counselors, helping avatars and their human sponsors to overcome past hurts and maintain real relationships. Now that would be really interesting – virtual healing that really saves marriages.
Author, radio and TV talk show host, and President of CLAL-The National Jewish Center for Learning and Leadership, Brad Hirschfield is the author of 
posted November 18, 2008 at 1:59 pm
” Rabbi Karo instructs men that it is forbidden to make love to their wives while thinking about another woman”
Is it possible that sometimes the imaginary or virtual woman is used as an outlet for needs and frustrations which can’t be addressed otherwise? Do we really want to control what is in our spouses mind, and if we do can we really do so? I’m not sure Rabbi Karo got it right.
A additional spouse – even virtual does not do it for me but others might need it. It seems to me the spouses filing for divorce based on the virtual relationsihip is insecure and this relationship was troubled to begin with. I think the failure cause isn’t the virtual spouse.
posted November 18, 2008 at 3:33 pm
This issue is simply dynamite- what can be construed as cheating. If this is cheating, is masturbation cheating? How about looking at a member of the opposite gender, or intense talking? When we start going down this road, we may get to the conclusion that the Taliban and Ultra-Orthodox have it right, with complete eradication of any inter-gender mingling.
posted November 18, 2008 at 3:35 pm
It doesn’t matter where you get your appetite, so long as you eat dinner at home.
posted November 19, 2008 at 11:44 am
Humm, here’s what Rabbi Jesus Christ has to say about marriage, divorce, about what to do if one is having difficulty, about making vows, and about what will happen if they are broken, and about telling the truth or not:
Matthew 5:27-37 KJV
27 Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery:
28 But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.
29 And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.
30 And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.
31 It hath been said, Whosoever shall put away his wife, let him give her a writing of divorcement:
32 But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery.
33 Again, ye have heard that it hath been said by them of old time, Thou shalt not forswear thyself, but shalt perform unto the Lord thine oaths:
34 But I say unto you, Swear not at all; neither by heaven; for it is God’s throne:
35 Nor by the earth; for it is his footstool: neither by Jerusalem; for it is the city of the great King.
36 Neither shalt thou swear by thy head, because thou canst not make one hair white or black.
37 But let your communication be, Yea, yea; Nay, nay: for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.
posted November 19, 2008 at 11:58 am
The rabbi is correct. Any man who thinks of another woman (or shutter shutter of a man) while having sex with his wife must be divorced. The reverse is true also. Any married person who thinks of having sex with anyone other than his/her spouse should be divorced.
In fact, this rule should not be limited to when they’re having sex, but should apply any time as the thought is the father of the deed. Thus, if any married person should ever have any sexual thought of another person who immediately go get a Get.
It is important that the wise rabbi brought this extraordinarily serious problem of people having illicit thoughts to our attention. After all this is the 13th century isn’t it rabbi?
posted November 19, 2008 at 9:03 pm
A virtual affair is a sign of something very seriously wrong within the marriage, just as if real world cheating occurred. Why weren’t these people seeing a counseler, or advised to seek counseling? Not to mention psychiatric help for the spouse cheating on line? He obviously has an addiction and has lost his sense of the real versus the virtual world.
posted November 20, 2008 at 1:57 pm
The problem with these virtual lives is that they often become all-consuming, actually replacing “real life” and real activities. Work and relationships are neglected while the person becomes obsessed with the more glamorous life he or she is living through the avatar. Why exercise when your avatar has a perfect body and a sexy virtual spouse? Why take care of your home and lawn when the one you are living in online is so much better? It is a sort of cheating and the aggrived spouse (whatever he or she decides to do) needs to understand that this behavior comes from a deep seated dissatisfaction with the self and may not be a reflection on the spouse. (This can also be true of “real” cheating.)____ The real world is often ugly and scary. Fantasy can be good, a way to retain a little bit of the joy and hope of youth. When someone begins living in a fantasy world, however, it can lead to almost psychotic behavior.__ Speaking of spending too much time in a fantasy world, I had better get back to work!____Lucy G.
posted February 11, 2009 at 11:31 am
If you are cheating online in a fantasy world, you are cheating on your spouse…period.
posted February 11, 2009 at 8:56 pm
My husband looks at porn on the internet, I consider this cheating. Am I wrong?
posted January 5, 2012 at 6:03 pm
I want to know if you are in a serious and exclusive relationship and one partner is still inviting bikini models to be his friend on facebook, does the other partner have a right to feel hurt and dissapointed? Or is this acceptable behaviour now a days?