This morning’s press release from the 121st meeting of the Central Conference of Reform Rabbis made me smile. Whatever one thinks about the substance of their statement on intermarriage, there are lessons there for all of us – lessons about keeping things in perspective and appreciating that even the most radical things often become entirely normal.
Not to mention the fact that today’s statement should remind the Reform rabbis that when it comes to seeking converts, what’s sauce for the goose is also sauce for the gander, that turnabout is fair play, and that we should do unto others as they would do unto us.
The release includes the following:
“While in the past the Reform rabbis focused discussion on how to prevent intermarriage, the CCAR today affirmed that intermarriage is a given and should be approached with the goal of engaging intermarried families in Jewish life and living. Rabbis can and should work to improve the effectiveness of their efforts to encourage intermarried people to embrace Judaism for themselves and their children.”
The statement goes on to stress “the importance of encouraging in-marriage (marriage between Jews) and conversion of non-Jewish spouses”. Ah, where to begin?
Imagine the consternation that would be caused were a Christian group to target Jews this way. Oh wait, we don’t have to because they sometimes do, and when they do, it is the Reform movement that has traditionally led the cry against such behavior, labeling it theologically ugly and communally inappropriate.
I have no problem with seeking converts to Judaism. The fact that Jews have not done so over the last two millennia is at least as much a function of historical circumstance as theological commitment. But then we should be open to the fact that members of other faiths have the right to do the same thing.
Why is it “poaching” when Christians seek to convert Jews, but appropriate for Jews to seek the conversion of Christians? Because we are smaller and more insecure about our own existence, should not give us rights which we do not grant others.
I am also struck by the fact that the ideas which form the substance of today’s statement from CCAR, were first proposed to the same movement as early as 1978 by Rabbi Alexander Schindler. But when Schindler fist imagined that intermarriage was a door into, and not out of, the Jewish community, he was thought of as kooky at best and reviled at worst. To miss that, is to miss the really important lesson in this new move by these rabbis.
Every tradition was once a radical innovation, and virtually every innovation was initially decried as destructive of the very culture it sought to revitalize. I hope that whatever people think about intermarriage, proselytizing by Jews, or virtually any other religiously divisive issue, we can all keep that in mind and treat each other accordingly.
The rabbis of the MIshnah ask why we preserve minority and rejected opinions in Jewish law so carefully. The response is that one day another generation will arise and see our rejected answers as their appropriate conclusions.
Imagine that Jews looked at other Jews that way, and then imagine that members of different faiths did as well. The funny thing is, that if deepening religious commitment were seen as helping people get to that kind of perspective, all of our houses of worship would be overflowing and nobody would worry about shrinking numbers, religious competition, or any of the other worries which distract us from the bigger picture – the picture of people using the world’s many wisdoms to make their lives better and empower them to help others do the same.
Author, radio and TV talk show host, and President of CLAL-The National Jewish Center for Learning and Leadership, Brad Hirschfield is the author of 
posted March 9, 2010 at 10:48 pm
I am intermarried and we were both loosely attached to our respective religions. We found a Christian clergy willing to officiate at an interfaith wedding and modify his sermon to be acceptable to both parties. But Judaism opposed the practice and back in the pre-internet 90′s good luck finding a reform Rabbi to officiate. That event sets the tone for how an interfaith couple interacts with both religions going forward.
Also seeking the conversion of non-Jewish spouses feels a bit weird. Like you’re viewed as having a defect that requires fixing. If the non-Jewish spouse was interested in conversion they would have done it before the wedding and avoided the interfaith wedding issue.
posted March 10, 2010 at 11:16 am
B”H
I agree with MH. Judiasm has no need for converts nor does our theology support the “everyone must convert” dogma.
If someone wishes to convert to Judiasm because they feel a desire to, they are welcome to undergo the conversion process.
Have we forgotten that Judiasm considers non-Jews as righteous if they follow the 7 Noahide Laws? You don’t need to be Jewish to be righeous in G-d’s eyes, and those who don’t subscribe to this concept are offending non-Jews everywhere.
posted March 10, 2010 at 11:26 am
I met my wife over 25 years ago. She’s Catholic, and I’m a Conservative Jew.
Before we were married, we discussed religion, and religion of our children.
I never asked her to convert, nor would I. I fell in love with her as she was at age 28, and her Catholicism was a part of her.
We were married by a Reform Cantor who officiated, with a Catholic priest who participated in the modified Jewish service held in a hotel.
Our children were converted as infants, and my wife makes seder, hamentashen, break fast on Yom Kippur, and drove the kids to hebrew school for years.
Bottom line: People can make it work if (a) their expectations are well communicated, (b) there’s some degree of flexibility, and (c) the couple grants that it will be hard.
How does the clergy supports and helps families like ours? Well, now, we’ve experienced the gamut. You’ve got to find the right people who care. Dogmatic people from any religion are part and parcel of the problem with many of the issues in the world today, and your family issues are not immune.
posted March 10, 2010 at 11:45 am
This is an interesting post, but I think it goes a little bit off track in asking what would happen “were a Christian group to target Jews this way.” That implies that the CCAR statement is aimed at Christians. But from the snippets quoted, the main target appears to be Jews–my reading is that this is much more about how we talk to Jews than with how we talk to Christians. The new and important thing the statement communicates to the Jewish partner in a relationship like the one MH describes is that they remain welcome in the community.
Far from “poaching,” the statement seems to be attempting a sensible response to the facts of contemporary Jewish life–facts that the Jewish community did not create. That’s a far cry from what I take to be a religious duty to evangelize at the base of many Christians’ understanding of their faith.
Even the line about “encourag(ing) intermarried people to embrace Judaism for themselves and their children” isn’t something I read as a plea for conversion but as an opening for commitment in various forms — in my own Reconstructionist shul, many non-Jewish partners play active roles in supporting the community and the Jewish identity of their children. And despite MH’s assumption that the time a potential spouse would consider conversion is before the wedding, our congregation has quite a few converts who made their decision years, even decades into the marriage.
posted March 10, 2010 at 2:11 pm
I can’t agree that the premise of the statement is wrong, or that there should be no encouragement for the non-Jewish spouse to convert. Particularly in the case of non-observant or of those who are Christian in name only, the welcome mat should be out, at very least. That is certainly the case the other way around! I am saying this as a Christian myself who has children and siblings who are non-observant or who have converted to other religions. I’m not in favor of pushing conversion, but encouraging or making it possible should definitely be on the table. Of course many people of all faiths would prefer their children marry within the faith, but in this day that doesn’t always happen. All I was concerned about with my children was whether their chosen companion would love them and care for them; religion is secondary.
posted March 10, 2010 at 2:35 pm
Dear Rabbi & Friends,
I appreciate the previous postings from those who were already set in their faith. I would never want to upset anyone’s working system of faith. What I see at my Temple (Or Rishon) where we thankfully do have a Rabbi who will perform interfaith marriages, is non-Jewish partners who have lost faith with the religion they were raised with. To me this relates to the column posted the other day by the Rabbi on fundamentalist who want to lump Evolution, Global Warming, & Cloning all together. Smart people can see how silly this is and it is embarassing for them. Many people are looking for a faith and community that does not require them to leave their intellect at the door. We have many spouses who have not gone through the task of conversion and with few exceptions are treated as full members of the congregation. Those who express a genuine interest have study and counciling available from the Rabbi who is the ultimate abitrator of individual sincerity.
If we as a people were to open our doors to seeking minds there would be a deluge of potential converts ready to address the hurdles of study and sincerity set by the Rabbi. For those who haven’t seen the movie, What the Bleep Do We Know, I recommend it highly. One part of “String Theory” (entanglment)was proven recently and published in the Wall Street Journal May 5th, 2009. What do you know… the whole universe, all of us, are connected! Einstein said; “The cosmic religious feeling is the strongest and noblest motive for scientific research.”
posted March 10, 2010 at 9:31 pm
My once-observant daughter had a son by a non-religious non-Jew. They lost custody when he was 8 months old due to drug use. My daughter cleaned up her act, and later met and married a very assimilated Jew. Some three years later the father got clean and was granted visits by the court. He now has a girlfriend and a new daughter. My daughter regained custody when T was 5, last September. Shortly afterward the father got religion (which I believe he is using as a substitute for drugs), joined a very religious group (think holy roller), and was given permission, over my daughter’s and son-in-law’s vehement protests, to take T to church every other week, where he is told that Christian symbols are for Jewish children. Right now they are being nice, but a former neighbor’s daughter was told at age 7 that Jewish people hate Jesus and killed him, and that’s why they will burn in hell forever. My grandson has less than two years before he reaches that class and hears such fearsome tales.
My daughter and her husband are, for lack of a better term, poor as church mice. They can’t afford a lawyer and have no way to give him a Jewish education, while the church can easily afford to take T at no charge. The stepfather, a nice but assimilated man, will not set foot in a temple or church unless a 12-step meeting is held there. Daughter admits she made a lot of bad choices and must face the consequences, but religion no longer holds interest for her either.
While I had custody I taught my grand to light Shabbat candles and a few simple prayers appropriate for a pre-schooler. I still take him to Friday night services when my daughter lets me do so, but now she is afraid he will become confused. Still, he loves to go up on the bima for the motzi and is thrilled when he recognizes even a word of a prayer. But while he hates to visit his father and go to church, he is resigned to it, and I fear eventually he will submit to it out of fear. It breaks my heart to think that one day he may turn against the rest of us because we don’t believe in worshipping the Trinity.
And that’s the other, tragic, side of the interreligious coin.
Gavriella
posted March 11, 2010 at 11:23 pm
I came out of the church and have found all the lies etc that the church is teaching. It is so awsom that the Jewish people are coming forward and open up and allow this type of teachings and openess.
This is totally different then what the church is/has done.
Christianity teaches against the G-d of Israel and the Torah. Christianity teaches a non-kosher lifestyle and the wrong messiah.
THIS… is teaching about Hashem! This is the proper thing.
Christianity will one day be gone, and good-riddence to it!
I look forward one day to converting to Judaism…
B’H that the “TRUTH” is now coming out for all peoples
posted March 13, 2010 at 1:00 pm
As a recent convert to Judaism, after 21 years of marriage and raising 4 Jewish children, I appreciate that the Reform movement recognizes that interfaith marriage is a fact, and the appropriate response is to welcome the nonJewish spouse into our congregations and involve them in Jewish life. I probably would not have appreciated overt attempts to convince me to convert, but I may have converted years ago had our congregation ever even talked about it. Conversion was never suggested to me, by anyone. I believe Reform congregations would greatly benefit from having regular conversion classes for interested members…and there’s nothing wrong with calling them conversion classes. They should be offered to anyone interesting in learning more about Judaism. Instead we have classes like “Introduction to Judaism”, which is fine, but make it part of a conversion curriculum, whether or not the person in the end chooses to convert. Wanting people to convert is nothing to be ashamed of. Judaism is a beautiful religion, and while we should not proselytize, neither should we be shy about a desire to welcome those of other faiths.