I hadn’t used this life-coaching exercise in awhile, but recently it was appropriate for a client who got so much out of it, I thought I’d share it with you. It has the pun-ny name of “Hide Your Tiers,” and the purpose is to show you the tiers of your close relationships so you don’t get overly invested in trying please or rescue people who aren’t in your innermost circles.
Here’s what you do: put a nice big dot in the middle of a piece of paper. That’s you. Now put a little circle around the dot. That circle represents your first-tier people. For most of us, that would be mate and children and perhaps parents; but it can be whoever you know to be your closest few. Write their names just outside the circle.
Then draw a bigger circle around that one. These are your second-tier people. This may be your siblings (or some of them), maybe a parent who didn’t make first-tier, grandparents, an adult child’s spouse; again, these are your tiers and this is your call. You’re not judging people’s worth in any way, just determining where they are in the constellation of your life. Write the name of the person or people in this tier by that circle.
Then draw a bigger circle around it. This is third tier. Your best friends may be here, although some of them may be second-tier or even first; siblings not yet accounted for perhaps; and whoever else fits. Write their names by the circle.
Then draw circles for tiers four and five. These are still important people in your life—I mean, you’re not going to put “letter carrier” down unless you’re good, personal friends with him or her—but by the time you get to fourth and fifth tiers (in-laws maybe; co-workers; friends to whom you aren’t joined at the hip; other relatives), these are people who shouldn’t be counting on you to be available the way you are for your one’s and two’s. And if they don’t like how you’re doing something, don’t worry about it. They’re fourth-tier people in your life. They’re first-tier people in somebody else’s life and that’s great, but you don’t need to get too concerned about the opinion they have of you.
Obviously, this little piece of scribble-art isn’t something you’re going to share with others. That’s why it’s called “Hide Your Tiers.” No one needs to know to which circle you’ve assigned him. But you need to know. It will help you get your bearings, maintain your priorities, and put first things—and first people—first.
To learn more about Victoria Moran’s coaching services, go to www.victoriamoran.com/coaching. And follow her on Twitter where she’s charmedlifelady.
posted October 2, 2009 at 12:20 am
Dear Victoria,
This is lovely & I believe it will be quite helpful to me in prioritizing relationships. Wish I had read this 2 months ago…Thanks for sending this Wisdom my way…, Pat G
posted October 2, 2009 at 4:47 pm
I really love this! I have a Master’s Degree in Counseling and many of your thoughts inspire me! xo (I’m in your monthly Monday teleclass.)
posted October 2, 2009 at 5:19 pm
And after you have created those encircling circles here’s some more suggestions for making wiser choices and strengthening relationships, to reinforce the wise ones offered by Victoria
http://www.movingfrommetowe.com/2008/12/30/make-wiser-choices-stronger-friendships-and-more-opportunity-by-visualizing-your-circles-of-connection/
posted October 3, 2009 at 9:56 am
Thanks, Pat, Lori, and Kare — I love to log on and look at the comments. It means so much that you guys are reading and that I’m saying something that’s worth your time. (And do go to Kare’s site — I’ve been and it’s great.)