I was touched by Cathy's response to my "Dear God: Be My Light" post because it's so honest and articulates beautifully what so many of us feel on those days we struggle:
I should pull out my dusty Meister Eckhart book because I'm very moved by this post and your exploration of this idea:"Like Meister Eckhart articulated, the irony of light is that it depends on darkness to be shown. In other words, light is invisible in light. So, in our deepest depression, we are, in fact, closest to hope."
So here's the deal: I believe this. It makes sense to my emotional and spiritual intelligence. Also, in really bleak times in my past, I have been surprised and comforted by something Other.
But right now I just don't have any energy to believe that the light will come again. I make motions in my life, but it all feels so dissociated and hollow.
When you are bone-tired from depression or life or whatever, how are you supposed to admire the light? The most I can muster is anger at the light for letting me down so much.
Anyway, sorry to be a downer. I am very moved by what you wrote. And I liked Jeff's plan for explaining the return of hope to his daughter. We do a version of that here to our daughter.
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Larry,
Well said, my friend! The God i serve is one of love, mercy and forgiveness eather than one who plays games with our very existences!
And nilla, one of His promises is that one day we WILL understand, when we no longer must ..."see through a glass darkly"...How I long for that day!!!
Therese, I am surprised to find this post here and worrying how to respond intelligently after Day Six of Operation Cold-Turkey Potty Training (http://growingcurious.typepad.com ).
Larry, where *am* I emotionally? I really want to know! I value your insights. I'd say I'm playful, angry, raging, playful, spirited, and creative. Is that what you meant?
But really... I'm still overwhelmed by feelings of being abandoned by God.
I can praise God even in my loneliness. I talked to him a long time today while picking arugula and dandelion leaves. But I still feel left by him because there's no way for me to deal with the hurt and anger I feel at the people (I love) who have hurt me.
I'm thinking it might be time to have some counsel with religious person or someting. I don't know how to do that, though.
Anyway, Therese and others, thank you for the extra care, thought, and reflection.
I don't know. I dont think God curses us.
As I read this, I think that when I am in that place, I need to be reminded that the light did exist for me and will again and this too shall pass. It always does. So I have to base life on the facts, not my mood, what I know to be true.
I think of the Indiogo Girls song" "Darkness has a hunger thats insatiable, and lightness has a call thats hard to hear. I wrap my fear around me like a blanket, I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it, Im crawling at your shores"
Ever listen to them? They get it.
If I ever take the time to figure out the beyond blue deal, I will put my music on there as I am finally recording...similar stuff.
Lori
Cathy:
I wasn't meaning to pigeonhole you, only reflect back what I saw in your own self-description.
But yeah, even after your clarification, I still think I "got" it the first time. (More or less.)
Hang in there!
Cathy,
In many communities there are pastoral counselors who band together to offer counseling to the community at large. They frequently (as in my own community) charge on a sliding or "pay what you can" scale and don't use this as an opportunity for prostletizing(sp?) or enlarging their individual congregations, whatever they might be. Have you checked this out in your own community? It might be a place from which to start in regards to looking for some counseling with a "religious" person since you seem so inclined. I am certainly not a trained counselor, and like our friend Larry, I have issues with organized religion, but I do find pastors to be of some spiritual assistance when i'm floundering. However, just like with secular counselors, it may take some searching to find the right "fit" for your own personal needs, and frankly,"trial and error is the only way I know to go about that. It has been my personal experience that many if not most ministers are open to counseling non-members as well as their own flock, just be careful not to choose a minister of a belief sysyem that runs counter to yours( i.e.either too liberal or too conservative, because that can spell disaster from the get-go! I understand the feeling of being abandoned by G-d, I've felt it often since my stroke, and it doesn't help (ME, anyway) to hear a minister preach to me that if I can't find G-d, it's I who have left him rather than the reverse. When life takes one of those unexpected twists and throws us yet another crisis to deal with, it's hard NOT to feel "left behind by God." I may know in my head that that's not the case, but my gut isn't so easily convinced. good luck to you, and blessings on locating the spiritual advisor you need. I'll be praying for you
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