I pretty much love you.
I messaged you in January…university student who went 4000 miles from home (to an island) in a huge relapse. I was put on a medical leave of absence by doctors at the school, my dad had to come and bring me back. We adjusted my meds again, and are still working on it…but I am so much better for the time being, and must thank you for your help! I’ve been so grateful to have my “support” and understanding, especially when it felt like such a huge failure. Now the decision is going back in the fall. When I’m hypomanic, YOU BET I’m going back!! TRY AND STOP ME!
Ahem…but I’m also trying to keep myself at least somewhat tame…I know all too well it wont stay that way…
You know, I’ve always felt like I am so “abnormal”…and wished I could be like every other early twenties university student without a care in the world besides getting wasted/laid and exams. HA. That just won’t happen…my experiences in being half crazy have made me so much older than I am. I mean, I’m practically already a soccer-mom (minus the kids…). But I always think there’s no way I could ever be “normal”- ever have kids, etc., because things are so hard and I fear I’m not capable. My point is, you know that it sucks…and somehow, you live.
THAT is good to know.

One of my very best friends strugles with this,
In all honesty I wonder if I have like a smaller degree of it.
Is that possible?
can the severity of bipolar vary from one person to another?
I have lyme disease and it causes a lot of psychological disorders
I admire your self-control it must be very very hard I know my friend got caught up in the manic stage she had to be hospitilized and it just broke my heart to watch her change over to depression. she did stabilize though and hasn’t had a hospitilization for a year or two.
they had to resort to shock because all other avenues had been tried and failed. It took a bit for her to rise up but it really worked and her memory (while at first was bad) is now i would say 100 per cent
thank u for sharing your story

For years I suffered from ” something that ails me” Then I was diagnosed with bi-polar.Much to my families chagrin.Being Catholic you should just pray away those “bad” feelings then you’ll be better! hah!!I went from “Dear Lord don’t make me live another day” to “Thank you Lord, I’m living” it’s not always easy and I have to really work at it some days, but with meds,prayer,”Beyond Belief”and therapy It’s easier to say “Thank you Lord”.I’m at a dark place right now and I’m really trying to pull me up “The 10 Reasons Why Catholicism Is best For The Mentally Ill” Was a tremendous boon to me ( and a giggle!)Thank you!

therese can relate to your situation i have to have some to set me straight when i am up that high or i will just keep going the i crash and the crash is worse than the high and sometime a little med adjustment helps.i often wonder what we look like through other peoples eyes hope thing balance out for you

Wow, Therese. Thank you for your honesty. Thank you for fessing up to your doctor so that you could be put on the right meds to avoid a terrible low. Thank you for being so cognizant. Your ability to tell others what you are TRULY going through is a gift. Some people are unable to express emotions. Or if they can express them, they don’t necessarily want to–for fear of being put on meds and not being up to keep up that “high.” Kudos to you! I’ll say a prayer for you cuz it’s got to be a rough time.
Love VAlerie

I sure hope you can level off without the crash. I remember you posting once, that your doctor had you on light therapy, so spring mania makes sense. 200 laps doesn’t make sense.

thanks for relating about life as a manic depressive. I sometimes forget about being bi-polar as I struggle through life. I am more on a lower keel most of thje time, more on the depressive side. I tend to go off on people in a resentful,defensive manner, if I think someone is slighting me or questioning the correctness of what I am thinking or doing; “can’t they see that my vision is uniquely correct and only if they would help me follow that vision things would turn out muraculously great”. I get those moment where I become super focused. In my drinking days after many drinks, while playing shuffle board, I beat this guy who was reaLLY GOOD. i KEPT BUMPING HIS DISK OFF THE END AND setting my disk on the edge. It was the first time I ever played. I have that feeling inside of me that only if I can get myself traitened out on the super focused path I could accomplish great things. I have had shock treatment and I realize now that I was nuts and I stopped me from stealing. I was in the psych ward and stole thier vcr and hid it in the ceiling of my room. I did’t realize it was there untill years later because the shock treatment temperarily wiped from my memory. I am impulsive and absessive obout things as you can see.

Therese,
It’s wonderful to hear the “voice of a good friend on the other end of the line!”
Happy Spring to you and those you love!!!

Therese, I am so glad there are people in your life, that can help you to focus, and also keep you grounded. I know reading your blog for the first time, was nothing less than,a pivotal moment in my life! That you have the courage and the perseverance to lay naked for the world to see, in retrospect, is uncommon to anyone I’ve ever known. I commend you, and will whisper a prayer to your guardian angel, to send some flowers your way. I know you are building a road that people of all kinds of mental disorders will follow! Godspeed & God Bless!

Dear Therese……Ihope everything will soon slide back to normal. I greatly appreciate your post and honesty about what is going on in your life. You are in my prayers.

Thank you for your courage in ‘telling it like it is’ Your integrity in the midst of a storm will help others more than you know.
May angels hold you close and bring you love and peace and hope as you travel this path.
prayers always

Therese, I thank God you can articulate your disease so well, that you have the grace to be so completely honest because it helps all of us to better understand bipolar.

Thank you Therese for keeping it real. Yes I do get the manic thing quite well and you show amazing restraint in staying as calm and focused as you are. When I read your blog I see myself in it so often. (Selfish…yes, but I’ve only recently come to accept my own condition)At least it’s an interesting battle inside my head sometimes. “Prisoner of the mind” I think I truly understand that now. You make it so easy for your readers to identify with you and ,in doing so, help us on the road to our respective recoveries. I personally believe you make one HELLUVA advocate for our cause. May you find the middle…level…balance…and peace you seek.

Therese. I’m SO sorry that you’re going through this AGAIN, but thank you for sharing it so eloquently. For the FIRST time since I was diagnosed with ipolar II disorder, I can see symtoms of mania in my own life as I reflect back. I, s you may recall, have rejected that diagnosis on the basis thay I’d NEVER experienced a manic episode (As backed by all three of my sisters), but I’ve always thought of mania as Jim Carrey in “Cable Guy” and not understood that the sleep thing was a symptom by itself. Because of my dsability, I can’t relate to the over exercising thing, but in the past three days (nights actually, I have read Broken For You, The Kite Runer, “Song Yet Unsung,” Into The Wilderness, and “History Of Love” cover to cover and am halway through ‘The Other Boleyn girl as of this morning. All of those IN SPITE of my pain meds(Vicodin and my sleep aid! I’ve also rewritten ten chapters of the book on my marriage that I’ve wanted to fine tune. It felt to me like being productive rather than manic, but I’m starting to think that I’ve never really understood what hypomania feltand/or looked like. What was especially helpful to me was your statement that simply not feeling insecure was enough of EXPERIENCING “grandiosity” for you because of your normally low self-esteem. BINGO!!
yOU’RE SO WONDERFUL FOR YOUR WILLINGNESS TO SHARE SO TOTALLY WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO YOU; It has REALLY helped me reannalyze my own dianosis. Blessings and peace on you, my frien; as with others, you’ll be in my prayer journal for a leveling out.
And thank YOU, Larry, for loving T. enough to write her the email which spurred this “tell-all” post.

We act like we expect it to go away.
I do. Honestly. and thats my problem. Thats why I get so discouraged, because it comes back and I have to admit theres a problem.
Thank you for saying it like it is. Like it is for me also. Like I’ve never admitted. Everyone I know, knows about my depression, but I so, lie about the rest. When a doc. diagnosed me bi-polar, I switched doctors.
I so understand the trying to remain calm. I have taken off, so irresponsibly, on road trips and such, leaving my family. I often go into my office at work and breathe, or sit and meetings and beg myself to keep my mouth shut and not be an idiot until I can calm and return to normal.
But the last few weeks, I had done nothing but work and sleep, and Im beginning to come out of it. Now I will be like a mad woman and accomplish so much, and so it goes on and on. And I think it will end because I refuse to have it. Just like Lupus, R.A. and this neuromuscular disiease I now have. In May I go to the Mayo Clinic for a week, and I will see a Neurologist and I know they will do a neruopsych as they are very thorough. I will be caught in my insanity.
But, just like my addictions, the help came with admittance, acceptance and powerlessness, before I could get any help.
So Thank you, for laying this out so clearly.
Lori

**Shame on my disease the first time. Shame on me the second and third and fourth time.**
No, Therese, it’s still shame on your disease the second or third or fourth time. The twin, hideous nature of bipolar disorder is to take away our self-awareness at the very same time we THINK and BELIEVE, because of the disease, that self-awarness is INCREASING. That’s why bipolar disorder can cause such disastrous results in our lives as well as in our health.
You have said so many times on BB that the key is to have people around you who can (since the poker championships are on TV right now) “call” you when you’re starting to get a little too giddy. If you can catch your symptoms as they FIRST occur, yes, you can perhaps do things on the margins to calm yourself down. But that window is so small — and you are still in such a fragile state of recovery — that I would ask you, prayerfully, PLEASE don’t blame yourself for missing it. (And yes, “the skeptic” prays sometimes, more than you might think.)
I thank everyone (including you, Therese) who says I played a tiny role in helping the situation, but mostly I’m just so grateful for your renewed health, Therese. It was 99.99% your doctors and Eric, as I prayed it would be.
PS — For the record, I’m no hero. I had actually e-mailed Therese venting about an issue on BB. When she e-mailed me back, I realized instantly how petty and pointless I was and immediately began praying and “rallying the troops.”
And folks, do you know in the middle of all that, Therese in her mania/hypomania still said she would check into my complaint? (((Therese)))
You are such a special person, Therese, and you have unintentionally (and obviously in a way that we wish would never happen in a perfect world) reminded us in the most graphic possible way that you suffer from these conditions just as much as your readers do.
We should try not to forget what empathy you truly have when you write in BB. I know I certainly never will again.
(And, given my far less loving family situation — albeit having a good doctor, at least — I got a wake-up call to expand my “calling network,” too.)

Thank you Therese (for knowing yourself so well) that you have the willingness to look into your inner self/heart of heart, (that no one else can do,)and take control of your life. God/Jesus can help you keep that control. Just ask Jesus to come into your life & He will….”Knock & the door will be open.” “You have not, because you ask not.”
May God bless you. Gayl

I’ll never forget my last manic cycle when I had to sit in my boss’s office and tell him I was taking some time off because I was so afraid I was going to blurt something out and embarrass the school I work at. Blessed is me when he replied, ” Lisa, you could never embarrass us.” Little does he know what a manic cycle is like, because yes I could and in a big way. Yes, we have to know our triggers. I am so glad for you T. that you have friends and a husband who really understands your disorder that can “call” you on it. My husband is very loving but doesn’t really “get” it so it’s up to me to know my triggers well, and the weather we’ve experienced recently in Cali has me hopping from room to room! It has me wanting to buy every spring flower at Lowe’s and talk to everyone I’ve ever met. So yes, Virginia, there is a manic cycle out there albeit for me, far fewer than those nasty depressive cycles. I so want peace, and when I’m stable and even, I so want my mania back. But I must remember what is good for me is the steady, even pace of peace. And if I let things upset me , they must be more important than my peace. My girlfriend recently said it seemed like I wasn’t alive….because I was at peace and neither depressed nor manic. I have come to learn to love the “peace that surpasses all understanding”. So thank you for your honesty, your descriptions and information that helps to remind us all that our disorders are chronic and we must be pragmatic in living or we will succumb to them.

Therese, is great to have you back. You know, you’re lucky to be sort of ‘in touch’ with your symptoms, until you mentioned the sleeping cycles I didn’t realize that it’s one of my symptoms. Four hours and not feeling tired…then going to a political demonstration, when I got there I was dragging but then when I saw the insect all my sap erupted through my veins, I was jumping, popping, screaming, etc. I just saw the photos my husband took of me then and I’m wondering…is that me? Did I look ‘that animated?’…
With me though it’s sort of a merry go round, Tuesday I was in love with the world, the restaurant I went was perfect, the food, etc. Tuesday I was very blue, Wednesday a bit better, Thursday neither here nor there, Friday I was popping, Saturday I was dragging, today Sunday I really don’t know yet. I’m at one of those stages when I can say or do anything really stupid and embarrass myself and piss off the world around me. So I’ll stay home and drink lots of water and do something constructive like cleaning the closet.

Wow…I am stunned… After reading your post, Therese, and the comments following, I am recognizing the manic side of myself–the half of the bipolar diagnosis I haven’t completed recognized, accepted. Like Margaret I’ve denied the up side of my behavior because I don’t have ALL the symptoms–the last time I stayed up all night was with a very sick child, I’ve never engaged in anything VERY risky and i probably didn’t have a clue that many of those Life is Great days were what they were. To all of you who have so kindly put yourselves out there on BB, what you’re sharing is helping me connect the dots. At the moment that saying “The truth sets you free” comes to mind (Ever notice how many of those cliches can become so much more than a hokey saying?) I’ve felt so much better than I did a year ago thinking, as Lori described, it is going away. I’ll be fine–back to being a normal person who was just suffering through a very stressful period. Normal people would have been depressed, too. My depression symptoms were merely more sever because I have been very depressed before. in my head I’ve listed all the arguments against or rationalizations for the days when I’m zooming from this thing to that. Why is the depression so much easier to accept than the —I don’t even want to write the word I’m so scared–because that means it will NOT go away and I will have to continue to hide it–and that is exhausting. But thank you all for sharing so I can recognize the beauty of the people I join. I will need to sit with my self discovery for awhile…

Thanks for the blog. While Suffering from OCD, anx and PTSD, your words mean so much. Sufferring in our corrupt culture is so difficult.

I admire the way you tune into yourself and can share what’s going on, Therese.
Catching yourself here is a big deal, a sign of your recovery. You don’t have to re-trace every painful trail back to the bad place. You’ve come a long way and can recognize when the trail starts to get dangerous. That’s Grace and your hard work.
Enjoy any extra sun, warmth, and spring-time growth in a way that feels balanced to you. My mustard greens just started to sprout, and the crabapple tree out front has just begun to blossom.
There’s hope for all of us.

This is not to dismiss mania as a serious issue at all – but sometimes I would not mind a touch of it. As the years go on and I work more and more (and my life really turns into working and driving to and from work) I’m having trouble remembering the last time I got excited about anything or enjoyed anything. I’m starting to harbor the suspicion that I’m actually already dead, yet still upright and moving zombie-like. Always 5 on a scale out of 1-10, always tepid vanilla.
Oh well, maybe someday.

Our dear Therese…………..my helping other people addiction, is at it again. If I could help you day to day, I would. You have a huge understanding of what other people are going through. This helps us because……..What would Therese do?? WWTD Cute!
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~~~~~And for MJ, please watch the movie, “What About Bob,” or “Baby’s Day Out,” any movie that will give you a laugh & pass the time. ~~~~~
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Thank you Therese… you are such a courageous angel. Your honesty to Self opens the door to freedom, you’re allowing the healthy flow of the universe to take place, in turn closing the door to battering of your Soul.
I applaud you.
Thank you for sharing and for teaching us along the way.
Much love and light to you.
You can do this. You already are…

I have been hypomanic for the better part of 2 years. I was told by my team of doctors I can stay hypomanic from now on. I always crashed and have been in hospital (psyc ward) 7 times. Just went to hospital for evaluation and was released stright away after great results after MMPI test. Hang in. We are gifted!

Wow so much insight to ones self, how great is that. You have come a long way. I have not been excited or enjoyed anything in so many years I can’t even remember how long it’s been. I feel dead already. At this point I might take manic over just good old depression, and life sucks in general. Please keep sharing with us all you’ve learned maybe we can find out something about ourselves. Good luck.

Thank you for sharing this, Therese. This was a good wake up call. Sometimes things can be “too good” and they hypomania can sneak up on us just as depression can. You’re not alone on that roller coaster.

Thanks for your insight Therese. I’ve had cronic depression for 20 years and have battled addition issues as well but with moving away from my life long friends and family 3 years ago I hit a new low. I can relate to the addictive behavior around wanting to keep the buzz going. I’ve never been diagnosed as bipolar but I know the repercussions of giving in totally to feeling good and wanting to ride the wave. Unlike professional surfers, the wave usually crashes on me before I hit the beach and I’m left burried deeper in the sand than before.
I’ve been seeking balance with my moods but was unwilling to give up the extreme good to balance out the all encompassing “black” time. Now that my daughter is almost 7 years old and showing signs of being just like me, I really feel the need to get this under control so that I can be there for her.
I find your articles very helpful and your honesty very humbling.
Thank you for sharing your journey with us…

Being bipolar 1 and few other cookies, I do understand
the manic attacks very well.
They are hard on everyone.
But I have learned over the years and many
trials and errors with meds it really takes prayer
and faith to help us remain stable.
I was on 13 meds at the same time
I turned my BP over to God
I’m on 4 meds now.
Stable and happy.
I thank God every day for all he has done for me including,
Giving us His only Son whos’ blood has cleasned us.
I thank God for all I have.
My Faith is strong and its what I work on strengthening each day.
Col

I can relate to this hypomanic state! This is what happened to me last summer. I went on a shopping spree. I sure am paying for it now! I had 7 trips to the hospital between 9/07 -2/08. I feel I need to go again but I think what is depressing me cuz I can now see the damage I’ve done not only to me but to our budget in our household! I have crying spells alot and I tend to isolate! I see my doc on 5/1/08 hopefully I can hang in there til then!? Pamie

This article came at a very good time for me. i have suspected that i may have some bipolar tendencies due to “mountain highs” followed by devastating lows. I have just developed a new pattern of avoiding the situations that lead to this cycle. Unfortunately, that means i don’t do much of anything anymore! Thank-you for sharing so honestly! It is great to see your sense of humor still intact! God bless you!

How brave you are.. I wish I could unleash like that. Peggy

I can so relate! I love my manic periods. I am a SAHM of twim boys who have autism. I need manic times to get things done. I beg for them to happen. If I am going to have mostly depressed times where I cam barely handle my life, I need the manic ones to keep me out of the hospital and away from my family forever. I know it’s BP thinking, but it makes sense to me. I’ve been in the hosp once and they kept me from taking care of my boys. They even told me “not really much we can tell you to do” Give me mania any time!

I really enjoyed your article. It made a lot of sense. I’ve been there myself. When I was having marital problems – I went into a deep depression – ended up with an ulcer. I know what to look for in the traits of depression (during that year or so I gained 50 plus pounds.) It has tried to creep up on me again. But I just sit back and relax. I don’t want to go down that road again.

Watch out for the Seroquel! I have diabetes as a result of taking it and gained a lot of weight! I realize we need relief from our condition but to add another disease is not right. My doc and the information from the company the pharmacy gave me never mentioned this side effect, so please beware.

I enjoyed and needed your article. I too am Bi-Polar, and an ADDICT to boot! I am an RN that has been in recovery from drugs (drug of choice EVERYTHING) since 1999. I sometimes congratulate myself from abstaining from chemical substances and forget that the chemical substances in my own brain are just as addicting. I recently lost a very good job as an open-heart nurse, I was hired during a hypomanic period, and during orientation fell into that deep pit of depression. I could not rouse myself to take a bath much less to do a full day of work. I have hid my condition at work, and my highs and lows usually adapt to my work schedule – three 12 hrs/week. I am on medication, but not much helps. I pray and spend time with my parents during these times, they make me feel safe and I will not make the mistake of harming myself around them. We are all worthy people, it is hard to understand why the Lord made us like this, but we all have an incredible journey and stort to tell…RN HEALER

All I can say is WOW….I have been going through this and a little more both emotionally and physically, I truly appreciate the share and the insight.

after reading this i have to admit i have felt the very same way, happy and exilerating one or two months, then back into total despair, i was diagnosed with severe depression after my daughter was murdered in 2003, and her killers went free, in fact everyone knew who did it and why, and they were never picked up, questioned, or nothing, in fact to some it was hilarious still is, especially when they see me, and look at my pain it is all they can do not to laugh in my face, and i wish with all my heart they could see the monster and demon inside them i do, and being in a wheelchair doesnt make things any easier for me, tired of people telling me give it to god, it takes people to help as well, what are you here for? if not to help ye one another, my life has been one big pain, hurt, sorrow, and the like, sometimes i think there is no such thing as happiness, the only people that are happy are dead folks they dont have any problems or worries, or nothing they are free, i wasnt even able to get counseling, counselors dont help poor people, nor do they make house calls, and every year it gets worse and worse, and the lonliness has moved in to stay, how does one cope with such pain? and heartache? and despair, and lonliness, and dont mention getting out, i am outside when it is nice but sitting out in the snow is going to get me nothing but another problem pnumonia, or worse yet the flu, it has been too cold to get out when your only mode of travel is a wheelchair, no car, and no money for a bus, and the only places to go here is church and the cemetary, i go to church every sunday and any church event they have all my life is church, and lonliness people at church dont fool with the poor, or the sick or the disabled or the lonely, sometimes i wonder why i am here, to just be a pawn for other peoples frustrations and feelings to take it out on me. i dont even know why i try sometimes not worth it, nothing is, cruel world hateful people, no friends family treat me like i am nothing, men dont see the lovely woman i am all they see is fat and a wheelchair, not my heart, which is hurting and lonely and very fearful, i dont know what else to do. being in a world where no one cares and never will.

Isn’t mania FUN? I think a bit may be OK – but we have a tendency to overdo, don’t we? I have some meds to calm me down so I won’t go manic – but they just make me sleepy…which, the way I live is all right. I don’t know what I would do if I had children, which is probably the reason I didn’t have any. It’s a matter of surfing the waves of our neurons and their chemicals – but when they get too high we should head for a safe harbor. (And to above commentator – alas, meds for depression, etc. do seem to make you gain weight. Ugh.)

Saundra, I haven’t had the same things to deal with you have or even anything as difficult but i understand the hurting and lonely and fearful because i live there alot too. Don’t give up on God, which i know must be hard to hear with all you’ve gone through. I read “get out of that pit” by Beth Moore and found it very helpful as well as “believing God” by her as well. I will pray for you.

Your story is so much like mine. I wasin a mental hospital twice.
If they helped I couldn’t tell it. I have been depressed off and on for
20 years. I am 68 now and it isn’t getting easier. Especially since I had a stroke, my huband died, 2 double first cousins died, my man I thought I’d marry died theday before he was to arrive. So now I am staying here with my son in an apartment. We had to move out of the big house we were in and that almost got the best of me. I LOVED THAT HOUSE. I love theLord and I know he watches after us but when I am alone it is hard to stay happy. I am on medication. Zoloft and Attivan, 3 kinds of blood pressure meds,and 2 others that
maybe I won’t have another stroke. I pray a good bit andI will add you to them. Love, Joyce

There is something to be gained by seeking the joy of peacefull feelings.. By that I mean actively seeking to feel peacefull. It requires a contious effort. It involves working at it. The mind is always full of thoughts. You must work hard at becoming master over your life. Choose the things that will be good for you.I don’t say that it is easy, but it must be done to live peacefully.Through prayer, I find the strenght,
Be blessed.

Wow…I understand the manic and the depressive. I’m not diagnosed other than a tendency toward depression. However, I struggle with estrogen and testosterone and thyroid hormone imbalances. My thyroid has been removed and that has helped. However, the battle of getting estrogen and testosterone balanced and the stress it unleashes on my train of thoughts, my ability to concentrate, sleep, feel, or have any balance of any of my feelings whether physical, mental or otherwise, feels like hell on earth. I was laid off and out of work for a year or so and then, even when I started working and had insurance, I still couldn’t afford the co-pays and med costs. My hormone issues are balanced with birth control and not the kind they like to cover. I have PCOS. It is all a constant pull, tug of war, on my sanity. Very few people get it and some think I’m crazy…..Thankfully I now am able to get that medicine and afford the visits I need for maintenance, but I’m still in the process of them balancing out. Hot flashes, cold sweats, top of the world to the bottom in 10 seconds or less from one moment to the next……I get the rollercoaster reference. And I think, if I could only have morsel of food into my mouth be the absolute “right” and healthiest foods, if I could exercise every day like I should, if I could take all my meds and vitamins and drink all the water I should and just get it all right and perfect in my living for at least a month, heck, a week or even day!! I think all the time about that. What if I could just hold it together to do all that at the SAME TIME. Then, maybe, just maybe I could achieve something more than just existing. At this time, I am doing what I must to hold on to my faith, to hold on to God. I know He won’t let me go, but sometimes I panic, let go and try to do my own thing and it never works as well as when He is in control.
Breath, then breath again and pray with every breath….that is becoming my life….and yet this is but a moment in time….already I am recounting how well I’ve been doing in my music and other areas of my life and how God has been moving and working in me and around me and the beauty of the life God gave me has me climbing up again….
Blessings, Peace, Hope, Joy, Love……I pray for all of this for all of you….Love may be said to be the greatest thing, but I think we can all say that Peace of mind and heart go a long, long way….
Peace, Angel

I went through a manic episode a month ago and thought it was fantastic at the time. Waves of creativity shot through me, and I thought I could take on the world. Thoughts of opening my own retail business, making greeting cards, making candy lolipops…………my sleep patterns showed around 2 hours of sleep a night. This went on for about 2 weeks. I talked with my doc, and she took me off of the Lexapro that I was on, saying that it can cause mania, and left me only on Clonopin. Nevertheless, in about another weeks time I crashed hard and ended up spending the night in the hospital. My doc then started me on Zyprexa and I am starting to feel alittle better.
My energy now is zapped……….no energy to do anything. Going to work for 2-3 hours a day is all that I can handle. And the weight gain is horrible. I’ve gained 18 lbs in about 2 and a half weeks.
No wonder I don’t have any energy. I am at the point where I think there probably should be another med that I can take that would bring me out of this depression. More calls to my doc are needed. I know that staying in touch with my docs and letting them know all that is going on is needed very much. The docs can’t help if they don’t know what is going on.
I pray many times in a day…..my faith keeps me going. I know that the Lord wrote my book before I was born, and having bi-polar disorder is the cross that I carry. Sometimes it does seem overwhelming and I wonder if I can go on. The Lord sees me through each day!
Is anyone else going through rapid cycling, mania into depression, many times a week…………what meds are you currently taking, and are they helping?
Been there…….done that…….I’ll pray for you, as I pray for all others who live in this uncertain and scary world called bi-polar disorder.

my self i suffer from bipoler-manic depressive ,personality disorder. on top of it all ive takin seizures in the past .im on meds for every thing.practaly im on nerve meds like xanax, zoloft,cymbalta,lamectal,thyrod med ,blood pressure, cholistrol meds, plus seizure meds colbatrol. so im struggling every day .to just get past each day ,i have good days as well as bad ones those days i dont like.i get tired taking meds i pray all time i try not feel sorry cause i know theres others in worse shape at least im thankful i have my kids around lot people with bipoler cant handel kids so relitives and state has to watch kids or take them away. some people cant drive a car or dress them selfs i can do all that stuff. i have a whole lot to be thankful for and i noiticed when i get close to my monthly thing i start getting real moody a lot, some cryen and offel feeling of things.

i totally understand what hypomania is like. my psychiatrist today made a joke about my rollercoastering to my case manager.(he did the up and down thing with his arm,lol) at the time it was funny but then i think that right now i am feeling quite exhilerated about everything. i usually have severe depression when i haven’t taken my meds.thank you for your insight, it helps to see others are like me:)

I had two manic episodes and they were because I was on too much anti-depressant medication. I thought I was losing my mind, I couldn’t talk or write fast enough. I would laugh to myself, cry. Then I started to enjoy it…like a cocaine high or something. My dr. lowered my cymbalta and within a week I was much better. It was really a bizarre time though. Scary.

I really know this disorder…in the last 6yrs although it has been worse since my bestfriend(mom) died of cancer when I was 32 and 3yrs later mt fiance of 9yrs dumped me christmas day for another woman we both work with..we lived togerther and now through all that and my disorder I have pretty much lost all my friends now because I am different..and I take cymbalta but I think suicidal thoughts all the tim..it is exhausting and when I get a high it is way high and then the low is lowwwww. There is no more middle for me. I am alone…I couldnt have kids either but now I am almost 40 that was mabe good..I use to be different.

I totally relate to your symptoms… I went from Lexapro to Lamictal, Cymbalta and Lorazipan. I am not perfect, but pretty damn steady. The best it has been in 10 years. Perhaps this helps, I hope…
Carole, the TeaMumm

I don’t know how this site got in my email but I think it must have been an act of God. Do you know how good it feels to know that I am not alone! I too am bipolar as well as borderline personality disorder, whatever that means. All I know is I cycle so rapidly sometimes that I have lost very close friends because of some of my manic decisions. Thank goodness I have a husband who doesn’t believe in divorce or else I think he would have left a long time ago, it’s been 11yrs now. Anyway can you tell by the way I am jumping around that I am manic right now? This time it has been for about a month so far and I know it is because I haven’t been able to afford my medicine. But mania feels good compared to the way I spent 2007, in my bed in such a deep depression that I thought I would never come back! I have tried almost every med out there and truly nothing has worked for longer than 3 sometimes 6 months. When I’m down I’m way down and when I’m up I’m way up there is absolutely no median for me and I often hate myself for that. But I pray a lot and that keeps me from committing suicide when I’m down and it keeps me from acting out sexually which I used to do alot before I got married! My kids are really good people because of my disorder they have learned not to be judgemental people because alot of bipolar people or people with any emotional disorder are good people but so often misunderstood. I just need help learning to love myself the way God created me! Does anybody else out there feel that way? I haven’t slept more than 3hrs a night for over a month now and oh well. Last year that’s all I did was sleep all day everyday. Pray for me and I’ll pray for you.

Dear Alli,
I will pray for you, with your bipolar disorder. I have had this condition for 10 years or more. Sometimes I can’t afford my medication, either, so I know what it’s like.
I was finally able to pick up my Cymbalta today, after being off it for 2 weeks due to no money. Some people don’t realize how expensive these medications are. I started to get very very depressed, so I knew I better get back on this med.
I even have very good insurance, and my medications cost me over $1500 a year, Take care, friend, and I will pray for you.
Sincerely,
Libby

I am not bi-polar but I have been diagnosed with PTSD and dissaciative disorder. I feel bad after reading your posts. I am not manic, but I do have insomnia, but I think it is because all the people in my head are very loud and never stop. I’ve been married for almost 22 years. I have 2 kids 15 & 19, he is going to be 20 in a couple of days and he still lives at home. All 3 of them are sick of my illness. My daughter is the only one that notices the switching. I’m always depressed with plans of suicide. It is harder and harder to stay alive. Especially with no family support and all my friends are gone. They are gone by my doing. I have been agoraphobic, but I’m pushing myself to get outside.
I’m on several meds – Seroquel; welbutrin; lithium (I thought was for Bi-polar but my doc has me on it for depression) and Prolixon. Very expensive, but good insurance. After reading your posts, I feel lucky for that, I couldn’t imangine if I could’nt get them.
I will pray for you all!

A dear friend from my Episcopal Church, who not being bipolar or an addict seems to be the closest “non” of both in my life that “gets” about 99% of what we go through.
She forwarded me your article (if that what is, the site is new to me).
In any case, it was good to read and I have been there. Almost three years ago, after being treated for depression and anxiety (a misdiagnosis), my mom passed away. I quickly went into the mania for some reason, then I stopped taking my meds.(which always made me feel worse, being not what I needed). The mania increased, then I went into a deep depression (still functioning I was told). A month later (I don’t remember the last week), I had a complete break-down. Too not be long winded, I won’t go into how I attemped my suicide, but I was almost successful. I ended up in a comma for 15 or more days with little brain activity on life support. My family, only thinking my problem was addiction had little understanding. They were about to harverst organs for donation and pull the plug, and I woke up. I had to relearn everything (brain wise). I was in ICU 40 days and mental health for 10. The gift was that I received the appropirate diagnosis and meds (with the desire to stay well, and do the other things besides meds to keep my mental health in recovery). And it helped my addiction recovery easier too, also doing the work to keep it. They both go hand in hand for me. For the first time I felt normal. My meds and recovery had been working for the last 2.8 years (on the same meds). Recently, I have lost my psychiatris abrubltly (he could not help it) and my insurance at the same time. I had been able to function off and on when I could afford meds, etc. I lost the feeling of feeling like myself. Been to the ER twice, and avoided the lock down questions (been down that road many times. Now I am in the essentially “free” mental health system. My fears were that the new doctor would want to change all my meds (they all seem to, when they are new to you and you let them know what is working). Fears were true, cut what was working in half (all of them)and want to get me off them all eventually. And even mentioned putting me on Lithium. Well, I am scared out of my whits and have not other options. It is tough to be poor (I wasn’t until this hit me back in 1999…I know what meds. I have tried and what does not work), but my new psych. must be deaf or unable to read med. records. Chicken or the egg…I cannot work if I am not stable, I cannot afford meds. or get job with insurance unless I am level. How long can I sacrafice money for. BUT…reading about your experience reminded me that I can make it through this as long as I reach our to people I love, pastoral care (who has helped with getting meds a lot as well as two friends), and my support network of dual diag. friends in AA. Prayer and meditation and excercise help and I know, and was reminded by you, that you have to continue to want to get well and “suit up and show up” regardless of what cycle you might be going through. Although, until now for almost 3 years have not gone thru one. For anyone who reads this, please pray for me to your Higher Power (or just keep me in mind if you are not spiritual). Just like you, I depsperately don’t want to be where I was 3 years ago. I finally have a spouse in my life I love more than anything (but I have to love me and take care of myself to love him as he deserves), who is wonderful and patient. And the feeling is mutual. I just don’t want to go thru what I worked since 1999 to feel as myself, only to loose that and him. I am afraid of the mental and physical pain and loosing the people I love because so many see me as a burden and not someone with a disease.

Has anyone tried B12 injections? I went through all this for over four decades, including being hospitalized. Last year, about 12 months ago, an endocrinologist thought my B12 levels were too low (I was within the normal range but low), so he gave me a B12 injection. I slept for three days and woke up with no depression or anxiety, no hypomania, no nothing bad. It’s been a year now, I get monthly B12 injections, and I am fine. For the first time in my adult life.///Even though our B12 levels may be normal or low normal, that doesn’t mean that we have enough B12 for us. In other words, our B12 level may be absolutely ‘normal’ — but we, individually, need more than the ‘norm’.///My holistic psych also put me on 2 grams of moleculatly distilled fish oil and 1 gram of D3.///My whole life has changed greatl.///I sometimes get a little angry when I think that I lost over 4 decades of my life — almost my whole life — simply because I needed more B12. But my ‘illness’ taught me a great deal, and I have 10, 20, 30 years left, and I can put a lot of living into that time.
Bella

I will pray for all of you I also have a brother who is bi polar and I know what he goes through.He has been stable now for over a year and continues to go to groups and gets lots of support. He finally met a nice lady who is also bi polar and inspite of what doctors say and I dont want to jump the gun too much they have been doing well together and i hope it continues. For the first time in his life I see him truly happy not manic not depressed but TRULY HAPPY He has someone he could identfy with and understands the disease. I hope and pray like I do for my brother, that you all will find something (or someone) that can truly make you happy. Because that is truly important in anyones life..And maybe someday there will be a cure that I always pray for.

To Bella,
that was a very interesting fine about B-12 i would like to further explore that can u tell me the name of the doctor that you went to I am located in New York.
thanks a bunch!!!!!

Rollercoater of the mind is what bipolar seems to be. I have chosen not to medicate presently and hope and pray I can continue unaided by orthodox pycho meds. I have read alot of info on our condition and have lived it with since childhood. My first real experience with MADNESS wasn’t until I was in my 20′s. 40 Days of Hospitalization and many experiemental meds, Haldol,prolixin the works. None of which made anything clearer but seemed to keep me stuck in a Dark mindset, not to mention the physical side affects of those!!!! My father and brother too are bipolar and this is a family curse of sorts, I feel. Yet there is always hope and help to be found: Support groups, FAITH, FAMILY AND FRIENDS!!!!! They may not keep you from your Manias or Deep Depressions but they will be constants if you reach out to them. I find reading info on this site is helpful (like the alternative therapies especially)
Thus I’m fully with you on being BIPOLAR and understand that Meds may be necessary for you or at least for awhile. So keep your head up and your heart stayed on the truth that your life is meaningful and YOU DO MAKE A DIFFERENCE!!!especially to those your life touches!!!! Work on your talents and strengths when able, this will brings you renewable hope in yourself!!!

My problems is that my son is having alot of mental problems and i can’t get him to get help. He is 22 yrs old and the law tells me i can’t force him unles he hurts someone or himself. I’ve been praying and praying to get him to get help. I can’t even approach him for he feels so much animosity towards me. Does anyone have any suggestions?
Help!!!!!

To the person who is having problems with 22 year old son. Stay strong. Let him face his reality and come to grips with his mental health issues. I am feelin that he is in denial. You may want to get some literature for him to look over and see if he relates to any of it. Most of all, he must know that he is NOT a freak and that many people have mental health conditions.. Millions of people really. The creative people of the world are the ones who have the most mental health issues! It is a gift and a curse. Gotta manage and know your moods and develop a special relationship with yourself and others that have similar stuff. Believe me, there is no shortage of people like your son! Hang in there, you have a special kid on your hands and I mean that in a good way. Discovery of his talents will be joyous!

Therese,
It is so nice to see someone who suffers from this so self-aware and active in their own treatment. That is the biggest hurdle to managing the disease effectively. You have taken steps to assure that you control the disease…it does not control you, and that is wonderful! I have a feeling that with your continued self-awareness and work towards a middle ground, you will achieve success in controlling this for many years to come, with only small detours from time to time, like all of us. I will keep you in my prayers, and kudos to the friends and family that support you in this. Your story brings hope to the millions of depressives and manic-depressives in the world. Thanks for sharing!

Therese, thank you so much for your honesty and openess in your column. It helped me a great deal reading it. And, it gave me the hope that someday soon (hopefully) I will be as in tune with my body and have such control over my mental health. Laura

I suffer from severe Hypo-mania and have struggled with bi-polar illness since I was very young. My mother died from alcoholism due to this tragic chemical imbalance. I too suffer from the “addictive personality disorder” as well as compulsive and impulsive behavior. My mind usually working much faster than I can physically reciprocate. I am currently not taking meds and have made that a personal choice since I am a nursing student and do home healthcare and I need to remain mentally and physically coherent. I have found that I simply cannot do this while taking psycho-tropics. I have read a little about the drug, abilify…..can you give advice. I can be in a completely wakeful conscience state for 4 days at a time if my life becomes chaotic and I suffer from disorientation due to lack of sleep and mind rest.HELP>>>>>

Lois, it was my endocrinologist who saw that my level was too low for his comfort. He said B12 should be “well over 500″, and mine was around 200. He’s the one who gave me the injection and my GP continues the injections. Any doctor can order a test for B12. It’s how the doctor interprets the results that makes a difference, because my GP thought my 200 low normal result was fine. Obviously it wasn’t for me.///If you do any research on B12, you’ll find that one of the results of low B12 is mental/emotional illness.///I’m not saying that this is the problem for everyone with depression and anxiety and that if we all get B12 injections we are going to be just fine. I am saying that it’s certainly worth looking into.///Interesting that you’re the only one who commented on my post.///I hope this works for you. I wish there was some way you could let me know.

Everything you said fits me to a T. I was never put in the hospital but probably should have been. I was diagnosed with bi-polar two years ago after my husbands daughter lost one of her twins. Everything spiraled out of control from there. Last year was one of my worst years of my life. As I speak I have no family to talk to because they blame the bi-polar on my husband. If it were not for him I wouldn’t be here. They don’t know that. There were so many things that happened last year it too much to mention on here. It has put a big strain on our relationship. I’m fighting those things in my head every day.
I have so many business ideas but too scared to try them. I have one good one right now that would be a dream for us. I have not been to a Dr. in two years because we were out of a job for a year and a half and had no insurance. I am on Wellbutrin and have luckily stayed on it. Thank God. I do have xanax and valium that I take when I feel those “jitters” coming on. I have a problem just going to Wal-Mart and must have a xanax to even make a trip to Wal-Mart.
I don’t have any friends to talk to. We have moved a lot in the last 15 years. I have one that I have been friends with since I was around 12. She’s a lot older than I am but I don’t like to bog her down with my problems. If there is anyone out there that would like to be internet friends I would love it. You may email me at bonbon525@yahoo.com. It would be nice to have someone in common to talk to. I am an animal lover and have 7 horses, 7 cats, 2 dogs, and 2 ducks. We have two children 11 & 15. If you feel you have something in common please email me.
Thanks
Bonnie

I feel that everyday and I take med. for it and does work at all. You can email at joshuasharonda@ yahoo.com , it would nice to talk to someone who that has the same I do.

i am not a manic deppresive, i have been diagonosed with severe clinical depresion with no physchosis, but not matter what its called it is been going on for 5 yrs. i am trying to move closer to my kids so maybe i will want a life. i am 45 and deaply depressed alot of my day. i have no life support other then the mental health hot line and my phsche doc.my whole family lives 2 hrs away,but i hope to be with them soon and that my life will brighten once again. i fight suicidal thought 3-6 times a month, it is so hard, but i fight for my kids,if not for them i would just go to sleep forever. i take so many meds it gets my anxiety up just figureing out when and with which med i can take the one in my hand with. please pray for me as i am in the dark hole again and my light is definately fadeing fast

For you valerie: I relate to you. For the past 5 yrs I’ve been on antidepressants and anxiety meds, have recently went off, except for one, and I’m feeling much better off of them, they helped for a while, I really needed them, but then, I became depressed on the meds, and it was really hard to get up in the a.m. and go to work, and I was taking naps in the afternoons, and just had no energy. I’m doing better off some of the meds, and was wondering if that too would help you. Please think about it, maybe they are not helping you to the best advantage anymore, and some changes would be helpful. I’m still on an anxiety med, and am feeling much more energy in regard to sleeping patterns. I too wanted to sleep, sleep, sleep. I definitely needed meds for a long time, but when it doesn’t work anymore, it may be time for a change. I’m not telling you what you need to do, but would like to help with sharing my story. I’m single, not in a job that I like at the present, and financially it has been hard. But things pass, and things are looking up at present. Just know that all things pass, and tomorrow is another day, look for something pleasant in the day, do something that is pleasing to you, and look for the rainbow in each day….it is there, we just can’t find it sometimes……sj

Hi therese, im not sure on how this Beyond Blue really works, but I was caught of your e-mail.
I do exprience what you have been expriencing, would it be because i do have “hypomania”. I’m not sure about it though, haven’t seen any phsycologist for that matter…
This “hypomania” thing does it have a bracket range of age to specifically got to experience it? I am 25 years old. Most of the times i got to experience those stufs that you are mentioning.
I would like to talk to someone like you that might be able to endowed on conversation for this matter. Looking forward to hear from you.

As I read your comments on hypomania, I chuckled to myself. I wasn’t particularly laughing at you and your symptoms but my own.
As one who knows that hypomania can lead into a full blown mania episode, I would caution you to seek medical treatment when you notice it happening.
Although, if you are anything like I am, hypomania feels really good after a big dose of the “D” (depression) state that I find myself in during the winter months.
This episode of hypomania snuck up on me. I wasn’t even aware of what it was doing to me. Since I am considered to be a “queen of stressors” and used to living with “D”….I didn’t think this energy that I realized I had was dangerous at all. After all, it had been a couple of cycles since I had one that was recognizable.
However, I didn’t heed the warning signs, and found myself in the hospital for an overdose that I didn’t intend to take. I can’t blame nor do I desire to blame anyone but myself for this behavior.
I know from all those years gone by that when I get to having some energy that my mood swings terribly and it is very mixed in nature. This is when it is most dangerous and I do things that I normally wouldn’t do.
Enjoy the hypomania, however monitor your symptoms also! Hypomania feels really good—like the world loves me and I love the world kinda thing….however the pure mania is not great at all!!!!

Cool site.