The sticker system I’ve been using on David—where he gets a sticker for good behavior, which translates into money toward a toy--has been working so well that last night I started Eric on one.
We have, in our house, what some psychologists would call "a problem." One person sees sex as essential for surviving. The other view it like a car wash—nice, but way down on the list of priorities … somewhere around cleaning out bathroom closets, organizing photos, or alphabetizing Halloween costumes of past years.
Last night was fairly typical. My exhausted self felt the paws of my mate. The people-pleasing half of my brain jumped to appease him, to rip off her clothes for a quickie. The bitchy half just wanted her sleep. So I did the math: the last time was … crap, four night ago. He’s due.
Numbers didn’t coerce the bitch. She wasn’t about to move her head from the pillow.
“Okay, I can take a hint,” someone said, and rolled over.
That made me feel bad.
“Look,” I said, “here’s the situation. You know I love you more than any other male in this world—well, there’s David, but that’s different. And technically Jesus, too. My not wanting sex has absolutely nothing to do with my desire or love for you. I really hope you understand that.
“It DOES have to do with a stunted libido that 18 years of Catholic education has successfully repressed; large quantities of Zoloft, which makes my climaxing as likely as an immediate solution to global warming; and my pituitary meds that keep my orgasm on the back of a milk carton (i.e. missing, and worth a reward if found).
“And I don’t really see where I can change anything. I’m not about to start experimenting with my psych meds because it took me 23 tries to find a cocktail that works. I’m getting used this feeling of wanting to be alive. It’s refreshing change. And now that I have this abnormal aortic-valve problem in my heart, I’m limited to the kinds of medication I can take to treat the pituitary tumor—the kinds that make you hate sex.
“So, my dear one, between my bipolar brain, pituitary tumor, abnormal aortic valve, tilted uterus, and facial fungus, I’m one illness away from a wheelchair—at which point sex would be almost as frequent as if you were married to a Army officer stationed in Iraq.”
“So, do you find any enjoyment in it?” he asked.
I thought for a moment. “Yeah, sometimes it feels good … like a nice backrub.”
“A backrub?”
I looked over and couldn’t bear to see the droopy, puppy-dog eyes anymore. It felt comparable to walking away from the young orphans that I got to hold in Calcutta.
“Look. How many times a week do you need sex?” I asked my other half.
“Twice. At the absolute minimum.”
“Okay. Monday and Thursday nights you get your sex. You can count on those two nights. But that means no dropping hints throughout the day on the other days. Or else you lose a sticker. Is that a deal?”
“I’m happy with it,” he said. “Except that today is Tuesday.”
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I read this and couldn't believe this would be on this website. Sex and marriage is 2 words that marry like man and woman; Adam and Eve and not Adam and Steve or Eve and Marilyn. I will say though that as a 41 year old being married to a 35 year old for 16 years (yes I snatched her str8 out of school) and just as any marriage the honey moon between the legs lasted and lasted and was great. I sort of think I wore her out with it and then she came down with illnesses and medication all but took her drive away. As an understanding spouse what more could I do than accept it. Cold showers stopped working so I turned to watching porn on and offline secretly. Even to the poing of having phone and chat sex where I would masturbate with the person on the other end. This was exciting at first and lasted a while but gradually got boring and knowing was just like cheating so I stopped. Met someone online going thru virtually the same thing until that almost turned into an affair and so that was really a no-no so that turned into just talking about the act of sex and all that comes with it. Main words in this connection being whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas and we can kept it at that. To make a rather long story even longer I Don't know what happened but my spouse got her drive back and by now it's like I'm not back yet. When I would get the urge she didn't want it or say not now and when we would muscle the act up for sake of arguement it wasn't enjoying at all, just to relieve pressure. THAT SUCKED! Mainly it's just to masturbate each other thru it. The porn is mainly online and maybe we will look at a movie together which gets things going but we both know about visiting sites of such and comment on such and are in the same boat now. Theraputically speaking, I have no doubt that it will get better. Sex and marriage is somewhat over-rated but under-rated at the same time but marriage without sex is dangerous.
Thank you prochez | September 8, 2008 1:13 PM
for your kind words, I appreciate you.
WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH ALL OF YOU??? (Except for prochez)
To Last Breaths:
I wish that I could take your pain away. I know that God can, but sometimes that seems to take more energy than, quite frankly, you seem to have available right now. I'm a Christian, but it gets on my nerves when Christians think that just because they are able to place themselves in God's hands, everyone is able to do it with the same ease. (nothing against prochez) Well it is not easy to do, but... if you use ANY of what little energy you seem to have left, place it ALL in God and hand over all of that anger you feel on to him. You feel betrayed -- bottom line. You feel violated and abused. And..to top it all off!!! -- you have figured out that you can't run away from it because you can't run away from yourself. Nothing will change for you until you can forgive. I never thought that I could ever forgive but when I TRULY learned how to forgive, it was so impowering and such a feeling of freedom. (Not to be crude, but it is something of a climax in itself). Unfortunately, you will never have back what you once had, but you can definetly have something new and very good with your husband. It can actually be something so profoundly wonderful that you can actually feel guilty for feeling so good over something SO BAD. However, he will have to TRULY want your forgiveness (you mentioned nothing about that) and YOU will have to TRULY forgive him. Acceptance of your family for what and who they REALLY are is a big part of that too. Not to sound like I have no compassion but, what "family" did you really give up. I doesn't sound to me like your "family" was much of a "family", so what did you really lose. You can't lose what your really didn't have to begin with. I came from a totally disfunctional family and once I just accepted them as they were and not what I really wanted them to be, it did get a lot easier to concentrate on fulfilling my life in a healthy way. People like members of your "family" ALWAYS kick the one that has something they don't have to the curb because--if they let you stay around, they will see their weaknesses and they want to hang onto all of their excuses. You are giving your sister too much credit. Pity (not sympathy) her because she is so lost. She is weak and acting that way is her only shred of feeling impowered. Please don't misunderstand, I am not excusing your sister's or your husband's behavior. You need to ask yourself why are you allowing her to destroy you. It sounds like you have raised your children on the principals of morals and values, but at what cost to yourself?? Do you see them leaving as abandonment? I can understand if you do. Look at all you have put yourself through for four years. I am sure, especially after what your family put you through, that you take pride in your children. It must be frustrating though. You have been sacrificing for them and it probably doesn't seem like they are very grateful by not being sensitive to your feelings. But see, it did not effect them anywhere near the way it has obviously effected you.
It will get better. God promises that. God only allows these things to make us stronger. I'm certain that it probably sounds hokey, but take it from someone who has been around this long city block....it does get better.
May God Bless You and Comfort You
I have no problem with my libido or my sex drive, as a matter of fact I would say it's even MORE POTENT & STRONGER than ever but for some reason some people seem to think that if you DON'T have sex EVERYDAY OF THE WEEK then u must have a sexual problem or something must be wrong with your libido or some other wrong scenerio but with me that couldn't be further from the truth. Here's the ting, back in the day I used to allow lust to control me, as a matter of fact I don't think I had much control over my own body because of my weakness for a certain guys and at one point i believe in my teenage years that i may have been "addicted to sex" because I felt like i had to have it all the time! And not only that, it made me feel good and desired but somehow I "still" felt empty but then later on I realized why I felt like I needed sex so much was because I just wanted to be LOVED. I grew up without a father & I guess the absence of my father had a much bigger impact on me that i realized at the time because even though I never knew him I always thought about him and wondered "why he wasn't there for me", I cried for many years wondering about this but when i turned 19 that's when I stopped crying and just accepted it for what is was. I feel like just because I'm NOT doing it right now doesn't mean I've LOST anything, I just have the DISCIPLINE & CONTROL now that i DIDN'T have before. I basically had to learn how to "love myself" all over again. And that's the first time in my life that realized how much i'd been used and just decided to take back the control that i had lost. Trust me, when the time comes ........
Holy Smoke, people!
I would give anything for a nice, boring old husband or loverman that I could make love to or even be too tired or overworked or distracted to make love to and still smile when he places his equally overworked hand on my breast.
You are giving your guy an ultimatum or a sticker every time he sucks it up and shuts his mouth (which he could be using on your lips or elsewhere) about sex???
This is incomprehensible to me. What I wouldn't give for a loving mate who wanted me that often.
What happened to intimacy in this stoopid country? Europeans have it. Africans have it. Latin Americans have it. Why not you?
I'm an attractive, divorced, hard-working female who just wishes I had your problems.
Orgasm isn't the only thing on earth, girl. If you can't have one, try weaning yourself off the Rx drugs. You might find it's worth it.
How does loneliness sound to you as an aphrodesiac?
Good heavens, folks. Get real here! Drink a glass of wine or hydrate your body (and his!) with healthy water, don't be afraid to touch him or yourself, and have a good, solid one on me.
Love and great sex to all.
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